Well.

I haven't written in a while. I used it for a long time to purge, preferring to write in my personal journal I can tuck in my night stand...

I'm not a masochist by any means. I hate pain... my migraines.. drive me nuts. After my surgery... death crossed my mind. Now my body is healed, my heart is a long way from there. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be loved and accepted. Everyone keeps saying it will come.. I keep saying... what I want isn't there... maybe it's not.

I know.. 26 isn't old. Some days I feel it. I question my decision to purchase 2 acres I can't manage on my own... a house I know nothing about to fix... and a king size bed I want to kick... I started a new job, have a new me.. I've lost over 25 lbs since my surgery & been able to work out... I have so much "exciting" stuff happening and... I just want to tuck myself away and wish I could stop wanting what I can't have.

Hearing my friends complain about their kids... their boyfriends.. husbands.. and I have to hire someone to do yard work... and borrow my nephew and nieces for baby fixes that don't stop. I want to get out on the track... that adrenaline rush.. keeps me placated if only for a minute... it's the rush... that gives me something to look forward to, instead of figuring out how to chop recipes into 8ths and to not gouge my eyes out.

The days I wonder if anyone other then Jesslynne would miss me.. I go on walks.. and remind myself that something some where is going to give.. I still question why I can't pick the right choices in my life.. if it's some cosmic joke that I keep choosing the path of never ending pain... I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... that's gotta be a step in the right direction. I still cry though, for what I wanted, what I can't have and accepting it. Guess it's the stubborn part of me that just can't accept I had a dream... and won't ever fulfill it. At what point is it okay to just give up?.. to walk away and say.. I can't keep doing this anymore?.. I did that months ago.. and my heart still aches.

I know. There is no answer... no real design other then God's.. on how things should turn out. I just don't want to be the old maid in the corner at family events. That sucks. The closer I get to 30... the more I realize there's so much I want to be and can't... so I guess my quest is finding a way around it and acquiring my dreams to as close as I can?.. like.. fixing my yard.. and getting back on the track.. making it through 24 hours without crying.. goals..

I seem to always be setting goals and falling so short. I give up.

Suppose my lesson....

Is not in patience this month, but rather in "the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh".

I've had this personal anger, this constant fight with God ever since my "Gammy" passed away 3 1/2 years ago. I've had a hard time attending church, I've had a hard time understanding why all these amazing people have to go so young while we have serial killers & rapists living their lives out until 80 some years old in a jail cell. People like Michelle, others being wiped from this earth with no good reason (please don't say "God wanted another angel- I will vomit on you).

I have a hard time understanding why babies die, why cancer exists, and why this pain is something that is earned, rather then a wrath. Satan's wrath, God's will... sometimes my understanding between the differences in the two... just aren't there.

A high school friend kissed her husband goodbye for the last time today, I've read of their struggle for over a year now, following his care page... while they both had amazing faith that in my own struggle is so hard to understand. To praise a God that took two young children's father from them is, incomprehensible to me. Just as the horrifically painful death my grandma's both suffered is unreal to me.

A sermon that broke me last year was when the pastor told the crowd, "it is okay to not understand, it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to wonder why.... with the understanding that we may never receive an answer until we are called up yonder".

It is with that I leave my blog today... because I really don't understand, I really am angry at all this death and illness that seems so unfair, and I wonder why people more deserving are healthy. Am I okay with that?... well.. since no one has the answers for me, I guess I will have to be, I don't have to be happy about it though.

Meant to make sense.

I meant to make sense last night.

Out of my tears came pain, out of my pain came anger, and out of my anger came rage.. I ran most of it off at the gym, pushing myself until my trainer stepped in and told me it was time to stop. I cried in the corner of the locker room.

My thing with death is... I do not get why good people die and useless people walk the earth. By useless, I mean child abusers, rapists, serial killers. Why do they live 80 years in a jail cell and sweet innocent people are taken. I go back to this with my grandma's death.

Normally I would have downed a bag of potato chips. I did not. I went home and like a good little girl had my cabbage soup, watched Grey's hoping for a chance to cry my aggression out. Woke up at 11 to find out my weekend is ruined.. my plans are shot.. and nothing can go my way this week. I couldn't sleep last night, images kept running through my head of this battle of cancer that seems so relentless. (I used spell check on that... I admit).

I'm a fish out of water thrown into the propeller. I really, really needed a hug yesterday. I got one from Isaac, even though he told me I had to wait until tomorrow for one. Turd.

Devistation to determination

I often think about the many people I've lost to health disasters and try to pull something from that.

A personal inspiration of mine and local track favorite Michelle Smith passed away today from cancer.... she was healthy. My risks increase 10 fold being overweight. The sickest motivation ever... I always think, my relatives that smoke, watched my grandma died from lung cancer and still took cigarette breaks at the hospital.

If I can't get healthy for myself.. I will do it for my family, because I know.. loosing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Rest in God's arms Shelly, my thoughts and prayers are with Danny and her family and the loss they have endured. Hope you are winning on that track in Heaven girl & save a seat for me.

Today = total fail

So I had a migraine last night- that's what being little ms. braggy pants will get you.

Last night I didn't have my cabbage soup as planned because the thought of... well.. visiting it again made my stomach turn extra hard, so I had 2 popsicles and toast with peanut butter. Then today. Oh. Today.

I woke up with what is called a "migraine hang over". Not only did I forget breakfast because my head was in such a fog, I forgot to pack lunch. I live 20 miles from work... no chance of that happening. So. It's 1pm, I haven't ate breakfast nor lunch yet and lunch is going to be some fast food salad that I hope to pass off as healthy & pretzels for a snack.

It's hard not to be pissed at myself for being such a blonde, but.. the first week should be better then this! It's hard to go face the gym knowing that I've already screwed today up so bad, I'm the type of personality that if you are going to do it, you might as well do it full force. Thing is.. I can't force myself to continue to be fat... so I guess I'm going to go to the gym, admit I screwed up and do something better tomorrow.

Don't give up... and don't give in!

I really, honestly know you aren't supposed to weigh everyday. What's the fun in that, you fluctuate several pounds through out the day... right?... God I hope so! Last night I stepped on that scale to see if maybe my extra cardio over the weekend of mall walking did me any good...

I think not! I gained 6#!!!! I almost fainted. What the heck! How can you gain 6 lbs in 4 days... sheesh. I weighed myself after cardio, so you can BET your button's I went right back to the cardio center & did 15 minutes on the elliptical (shhh don't tell my surgeon).

I'm going to do light arms tonight- by light.. I mean, very, very light, but I have to start somewhere... if not even for my own sanity, but.. so no one comes over & discovers I've covered every single mirror in the house with sheets and towels because I cry when I see me.

That's pure hatred right there. I can only say... I love my hair. :) I tell myself that everyday- you like one thing & you are working on the rest & it's a daily struggle, so don't give up and don't give in. I'm waiting for chili's on Saturday with my parents. A turkey burger will be just enough cheating to not lose my mind! :)

I'm dieting... again.

I remember, when I started this blog, that was going to be the point & general focus. Well. Guess what? My eyes went wonky and between my horrible 2009 and 2 surgeries for the year, I plum forgot what I was looking at.

Then. I stepped on the scale at my first approved work out session of the year... ha..ha..ha. This isn't the kind of hahaha where you pee your pants either people, this is the kind where you laugh at the worlds most horrible joke told by a 4 year old that will burst into tears if you don't say something.

Yeah. So. I'm going to put a 3 digit number down and you are going to promise to A. not laugh, B. not wet your pants, C. not gasp, D. not sit down & cry for hours like I did. 312. Holy crap Kelly! So I have a 15 day goal, a really, really unrealistic one, but ha.. who would I be if I didn't. That number needs to start with a 2 come March 2. Or someone is going to move into the gym.

That someone is me... p.s. pizza I will miss you!