It's around here somewhere

Well.

2010-04-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I used it for a long time to purge, preferring to write in my personal journal I can tuck in my night stand...

I'm not a masochist by any means. I hate pain... my migraines.. drive me nuts. After my surgery... death crossed my mind. Now my body is healed, my heart is a long way from there. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be loved and accepted. Everyone keeps saying it will come.. I keep saying... what I want isn't there... maybe it's not.

I know.. 26 isn't old. Some days I feel it. I question my decision to purchase 2 acres I can't manage on my own... a house I know nothing about to fix... and a king size bed I want to kick... I started a new job, have a new me.. I've lost over 25 lbs since my surgery & been able to work out... I have so much "exciting" stuff happening and... I just want to tuck myself away and wish I could stop wanting what I can't have.

Hearing my friends complain about their kids... their boyfriends.. husbands.. and I have to hire someone to do yard work... and borrow my nephew and nieces for baby fixes that don't stop. I want to get out on the track... that adrenaline rush.. keeps me placated if only for a minute... it's the rush... that gives me something to look forward to, instead of figuring out how to chop recipes into 8ths and to not gouge my eyes out.

The days I wonder if anyone other then Jesslynne would miss me.. I go on walks.. and remind myself that something some where is going to give.. I still question why I can't pick the right choices in my life.. if it's some cosmic joke that I keep choosing the path of never ending pain... I don't cry myself to sleep anymore... that's gotta be a step in the right direction. I still cry though, for what I wanted, what I can't have and accepting it. Guess it's the stubborn part of me that just can't accept I had a dream... and won't ever fulfill it. At what point is it okay to just give up?.. to walk away and say.. I can't keep doing this anymore?.. I did that months ago.. and my heart still aches.

I know. There is no answer... no real design other then God's.. on how things should turn out. I just don't want to be the old maid in the corner at family events. That sucks. The closer I get to 30... the more I realize there's so much I want to be and can't... so I guess my quest is finding a way around it and acquiring my dreams to as close as I can?.. like.. fixing my yard.. and getting back on the track.. making it through 24 hours without crying.. goals..

I seem to always be setting goals and falling so short. I give up.

Suppose my lesson....

2010-02-25T11:30:00.000-08:00

Is not in patience this month, but rather in "the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh".

I've had this personal anger, this constant fight with God ever since my "Gammy" passed away 3 1/2 years ago. I've had a hard time attending church, I've had a hard time understanding why all these amazing people have to go so young while we have serial killers & rapists living their lives out until 80 some years old in a jail cell. People like Michelle, others being wiped from this earth with no good reason (please don't say "God wanted another angel- I will vomit on you).

I have a hard time understanding why babies die, why cancer exists, and why this pain is something that is earned, rather then a wrath. Satan's wrath, God's will... sometimes my understanding between the differences in the two... just aren't there.

A high school friend kissed her husband goodbye for the last time today, I've read of their struggle for over a year now, following his care page... while they both had amazing faith that in my own struggle is so hard to understand. To praise a God that took two young children's father from them is, incomprehensible to me. Just as the horrifically painful death my grandma's both suffered is unreal to me.

A sermon that broke me last year was when the pastor told the crowd, "it is okay to not understand, it is okay to be angry, and it is okay to wonder why.... with the understanding that we may never receive an answer until we are called up yonder".

It is with that I leave my blog today... because I really don't understand, I really am angry at all this death and illness that seems so unfair, and I wonder why people more deserving are healthy. Am I okay with that?... well.. since no one has the answers for me, I guess I will have to be, I don't have to be happy about it though.

Meant to make sense.

2010-02-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

I meant to make sense last night.

Out of my tears came pain, out of my pain came anger, and out of my anger came rage.. I ran most of it off at the gym, pushing myself until my trainer stepped in and told me it was time to stop. I cried in the corner of the locker room.

My thing with death is... I do not get why good people die and useless people walk the earth. By useless, I mean child abusers, rapists, serial killers. Why do they live 80 years in a jail cell and sweet innocent people are taken. I go back to this with my grandma's death.

Normally I would have downed a bag of potato chips. I did not. I went home and like a good little girl had my cabbage soup, watched Grey's hoping for a chance to cry my aggression out. Woke up at 11 to find out my weekend is ruined.. my plans are shot.. and nothing can go my way this week. I couldn't sleep last night, images kept running through my head of this battle of cancer that seems so relentless. (I used spell check on that... I admit).

I'm a fish out of water thrown into the propeller. I really, really needed a hug yesterday. I got one from Isaac, even though he told me I had to wait until tomorrow for one. Turd.

Devistation to determination

2010-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

I often think about the many people I've lost to health disasters and try to pull something from that.

A personal inspiration of mine and local track favorite Michelle Smith passed away today from cancer.... she was healthy. My risks increase 10 fold being overweight. The sickest motivation ever... I always think, my relatives that smoke, watched my grandma died from lung cancer and still took cigarette breaks at the hospital.

If I can't get healthy for myself.. I will do it for my family, because I know.. loosing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Rest in God's arms Shelly, my thoughts and prayers are with Danny and her family and the loss they have endured. Hope you are winning on that track in Heaven girl & save a seat for me.

Today = total fail

2010-02-17T09:58:00.001-08:00

So I had a migraine last night- that's what being little ms. braggy pants will get you.

Last night I didn't have my cabbage soup as planned because the thought of... well.. visiting it again made my stomach turn extra hard, so I had 2 popsicles and toast with peanut butter. Then today. Oh. Today.

I woke up with what is called a "migraine hang over". Not only did I forget breakfast because my head was in such a fog, I forgot to pack lunch. I live 20 miles from work... no chance of that happening. So. It's 1pm, I haven't ate breakfast nor lunch yet and lunch is going to be some fast food salad that I hope to pass off as healthy & pretzels for a snack.

It's hard not to be pissed at myself for being such a blonde, but.. the first week should be better then this! It's hard to go face the gym knowing that I've already screwed today up so bad, I'm the type of personality that if you are going to do it, you might as well do it full force. Thing is.. I can't force myself to continue to be fat... so I guess I'm going to go to the gym, admit I screwed up and do something better tomorrow.

Don't give up... and don't give in!

2010-02-16T08:57:00.000-08:00

I really, honestly know you aren't supposed to weigh everyday. What's the fun in that, you fluctuate several pounds through out the day... right?... God I hope so! Last night I stepped on that scale to see if maybe my extra cardio over the weekend of mall walking did me any good...

I think not! I gained 6#!!!! I almost fainted. What the heck! How can you gain 6 lbs in 4 days... sheesh. I weighed myself after cardio, so you can BET your button's I went right back to the cardio center & did 15 minutes on the elliptical (shhh don't tell my surgeon).

I'm going to do light arms tonight- by light.. I mean, very, very light, but I have to start somewhere... if not even for my own sanity, but.. so no one comes over & discovers I've covered every single mirror in the house with sheets and towels because I cry when I see me.

That's pure hatred right there. I can only say... I love my hair. :) I tell myself that everyday- you like one thing & you are working on the rest & it's a daily struggle, so don't give up and don't give in. I'm waiting for chili's on Saturday with my parents. A turkey burger will be just enough cheating to not lose my mind! :)

I'm dieting... again.

2010-02-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

I remember, when I started this blog, that was going to be the point & general focus. Well. Guess what? My eyes went wonky and between my horrible 2009 and 2 surgeries for the year, I plum forgot what I was looking at.

Then. I stepped on the scale at my first approved work out session of the year... ha..ha..ha. This isn't the kind of hahaha where you pee your pants either people, this is the kind where you laugh at the worlds most horrible joke told by a 4 year old that will burst into tears if you don't say something.

Yeah. So. I'm going to put a 3 digit number down and you are going to promise to A. not laugh, B. not wet your pants, C. not gasp, D. not sit down & cry for hours like I did. 312. Holy crap Kelly! So I have a 15 day goal, a really, really unrealistic one, but ha.. who would I be if I didn't. That number needs to start with a 2 come March 2. Or someone is going to move into the gym.

That someone is me... p.s. pizza I will miss you!

Time spent

2010-01-11T15:23:00.001-08:00

I spend each day and silently going through the memories of my life right now... I mean.. I spend it on the couch, it doesn't leave me with much.

This weekend I tried to go home. Between the phone call and the text and being alone, not being able to leave... I felt like a 10 year old that had been left alone for the first time... I went from being a 26 year old, independent, not asking for any help to a 26 year old invalid. Yeah. See my dilemma?

I have to be driven everywhere I haven't driven in 4 weeks. 4 weeks. My truck sits silently in my parents pole barn just.. sitting.

I think about the good things... Isaac- he makes me laugh every day he's here, how much I love my family for all the sacrifices they have made for me for the past few weeks, and the amazing strides my body is making after surgery. Then I think about the bad things, I have no one to share this with, I'm getting emails about Valentines sales, and so much more.

I'm slowly learning to focus on the good things and forget the bad..... you know what they say... forgive and forget.. relive and regret.... so I have to keep my lessons learned and the time I spend.. focused on the good that did come from them and apply them to my future.

There are two ways..

2010-01-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

To live life...

With regrets, without.

Glass half full, glass half empty.

To live, to not live.

You get the idea.

Yeah. I was stomped on, by 3 men. In the same exact way. All with the heart wrenching finality of "I don't love you, I thought I did, but this other woman... she just... makes my life so ______." Yeah. So when my phone rang Saturday "restricted". I'm not dumb. I didn't answer. When my text went off yesterday & came up as high priority, I figured it was someone else... like Sarah, Jim, ect. anyone else. but. No. I get the text that says "Can we talk?"

What do you think I said?... What do you think I did?...

I said "No. You wanted me out of your life, I'm gone. Leave me alone. You are DEAD to me." Then I cried. Not just for me, not just because of him, but because.. I don't know what love is.. I can't trust love and I feel like I am wrecked for eternity to come. I tried so hard to be everything he wanted... I loved him with all I am.. with all I had and after 5 years he threw it back at me and let someone else break my heart.

I decided with my surgery that it was my new lease on life, I would get back to the gym, get myself in shape and sell everything that reminded me of him... the snowmobiles, the pool table, everything, but my racecar. I worked so hard for all my dreams, I will miss snowmobiling every winter when they drive past my house. I love playing pool... the air compressor and tools, I won't miss.

So. I won't feel like I wasted the last 10 years of my life on 3 boys. I've never met a 38 year old that reminded me so much of a 16 year old.. and I hope to never meet one again. I have to hope and pray that some day... I will believe words that come out of a man's mouth.. because.. I was tricked. My family was tricked and lied to...

Oh yeah, thanks for your phone number, I stored it as Do not answer me. :)

Epic

2010-01-07T05:58:00.001-08:00

Okay. So maybe you won't find this Epic. I get to leave the house today. For a doctor appointment, but I get to leave the house.

I don't have to look at these same four walls, honestly though it doesn't bug me when I'm alone, but my house mates are driving me nuts. I'm not used to someone eating potato chips in my ear. I haven't yet gone homicidal, the thoughts are there though. ha.

My good friend Jenny is taking me.. the roads are wicked this morning, we've had ice and are supposed to get an inch of snow an hour for the next 16 hours.. :) yippie skippy!

My dad told me if I can get myself out of bed then I can go home for the weekend. Oh... home... those are four walls I miss. No joke. My nice little fire place, not having to share the remote... oh those were the days!

Now I get to watch my favorite missed episodes on my laptop. How fun. Instead of my 60" flat screen.

Yep. Leaving today is epic.

Waking up.

2010-01-02T07:45:00.000-08:00

If you've never woke up from surgery... then you won't understand this.. but.. I used to wake up and see nothing but my breasts for miles...

I woke up Wednesday afternoon and for the first time in years could see my feet. It was amazing. It was the first thing I said to the doctors & nurses and kept commenting on for hours.

I'm not going to lie.. it's so weird and the pain, holy cow the pain is unreal... I'm hoping it starts getting better soon. I have to be woken up in the middle of the night to keep up on my pain meds.. if I don't, then the next day is horrible.

I had my first shower yesterday & actually got a look at my scary appendages.. :) they have to get better, got to, the swelling will go down & they won't look so boxy, that will be nice.

Well, I am alive, alive, but in pain, however life will go on, I'm grateful for this new start, this has been a different new way to the new year... I'm going to take advantage of it with all I have. :)

Happy 2010!

Muddle, Muddle, Muddle

2009-12-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

You know that song, "you can't go under it, so we'll go over it?"

I haven't quite figured out how to get over it. I just take each waking moment that I make it through as a success. Lately, my dreams are haunted. I had to wash the sheets this weekend, because I'd wake up and smell him. I see him in my dreams. That's not fair.

I have too much downtime. I agree. I can't seem to find my way to a solid spot. My surgery is in 8 days, that seems so freaking close, and really, I'm not counting down to Christmas, because I'm going to have to do the best I can to not be a basket case that day. Like today, yesterday, tomorrow. Last night my little pep talk of "It's not you, it's him" didn't work and I ended the night in a bought of tears.

There are days I wonder if my heart can truely handle this, how much more can God dump my mind asks... I'm not sure, I mean, it could be more. It could always get worse. We just try to make it through the moment and get to the other side of the river and hope that is enough for now.

I bought two new devotionals this weekend.. I'm really excited to start them.. and I started my year.. Dec 7th. No men in my life for a year, because I just can't handle it. That's honesty. To myself, I'm not sure even at that point, I'll be ready, but I will take it one breath at a time.

Management.

2009-12-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

I've taken classes, at least 12 of them focused on management, how to manage a business and people, etc.

There isn't a book on how to manage your heart. There just isn't one. There isn't a 12 step that doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol crammed in there. You hope and wish and pray there will be a day that your phone rings that your heart doesn't jump.. because secretly you are hoping its him.

I'm glad he hasn't called. My vulnerability in the last few days has been jacked to the max. It seems the closer I get to thinking about the weekend and rambling around in my house alone.. my chest tightens... the thought of going home & sleeping in the king sized bed. overwhelms me.

I know I can't go back. There is no fixing, no counseling, no anything that can repair the damage done. Nothing. His friend, Scott got mad at me the other day when I said I'm pretty sure I'm damaged for life.

I can never trust someone again, I can never give my heart again, I could never go through this again. No matter what anyone says.. you cannot promise me another relationship wouldn't end this way. The first time a new guy were to not pick up his phone, he'd think I lost my mind, I'd accuse him of cheating, having someone one the side. Meeting-smeeting. Don't play tricks with me.

It's hard not to be bitter. To think that I invested 5 years into someone... that did this. This is the thanks I get for standing beside you, when your house was repossessed. The thanks I get for going to Georgia to get your daughter. The thanks for the plow you are still currently driving around with. On the brightside. I got my racecar and yours is still in pieces. Ha. Boo-hoo. At least I have one positive.

I just wanted to say thanks.... for wrecking my heart... never will I trust someone again. Lesson learned. There is no book on how to put your heart back together... is there?

The more I find...

2009-12-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

The more I find disgust for you.

My heart is aching and I just keep learning more and more of what a selfish jerk you were.

Your friends check in on me. They call, make sure that I'm okay with the fact that you had another life.

Your girlfriend threatening me and telling me she has no problem going to jail is just priceless, classy at that. You sure ended up with the better end of the deal there buddy. Ha. ha.

This summer. Really pisses me off. When you chose her over me to do the stuff that we were supposed to be doing.

Honestly, I just wish all of you would go away.. your memory, your name, the life we had or didn't for that matter- it was all a sham... I just wish she would leave me alone. I gave her and you what you wanted. What do I have to do to keep you out of my life?

I'm rebuilding.. I spent last night with friends... good friends. I miss somethings.. like lunches spent laughing over life.. hugs, kisses, watching movies, etc. There are others I don't miss.. phone calls that aren't answered, going to bed alone, my ignored tears, my broken heart over stupid stuff, you missing big chunks of important stuff...

When I weigh it all out, I realize once again, I can replace what I miss from you, with just about anyone in my life and not miss it. The stuff I don't miss.. aren't things that are in my life anymore. I really, ended up with the better bargain. I walked away with all our possessions.. my life still in tact.. and a chance to start over. You, are stuck. :)

Laughter ensues. Sucker.

Should I worry...

2009-12-15T05:37:00.000-08:00

When they- the doctors don't ask if the mood stabilizing meds they have me on make me feel suicidal. Are they worried they will be responsible if I actually act on my response of "no.. I'm not suicidal... I'm homicidal. Just towards a small fraction of the human race."

In short. I'm not going to bomb the breakfast restaurant kitty corner from my work because someone's truck is there. I just.. might.. slash tires.. :D haha. I kid.

I think.

For real though, I need to get over this anger where I dream I'm giddy with laughter while 2 people get plowed over by a semi. Or maybe not.

Don't tell mutual friends you feel like shit for what you've done you self centered asshole. If you had feelings you would have told me "I've found someone else"... or maybe not dragged me back through the mud after 5 years, or maybe you would have stood up for me that night, or maybe, maybe, MAYBE... you wouldn't have done it at all. So don't tell people you feel shitty. Because you don't feel anything beyond that little guy that sits below your waistline. If you did you self-centered prick... this wouldn't be my life. Since it is though... I'm not only forgetting your smell.. I'm forgetting your name.

So there. You may never see this, but for all intents & purposes I pissed in your cheerios today. yum.

:P

Life isn't fair-

2009-12-14T10:39:00.001-08:00

Wanna know how breaking up sucks?

You realize Christmas is 11 days away. You have a $500 Christmas present you bought in July you overachieving idiot is now no good.

You are driving down the road today.. not even realizing they are playing "our song" and to top it off.. you pass him. You see the plow, the light, the letters on the side and you look the other way and pretend you aren't going to vomit and pray you can breathe soon.

You wake up, in the middle of the night and roll over just to watch him breathe.. and he's not there...

Your password for everything has his name in it- what a bright idea!

You found a drawer you forgot about full of his stuff... a shirt that, yes, still smells like him. (which makes me wonder if he put it away dirty..)

Which all leads me to this: if you got hit by a semi, it'd make my life easier. Then I could pretend my fiance died.. not didn't have the balls to tell me he didn't want me so he just abruptly coasted out of my life and let someone else deliver that fine news, in the form of his other fiance.

Yeah, it just so happens I'm in one of those, I hate you moods. Amazing how strong those emotions are... just amazing. They take the little life I had left in me and suck it right out because I realize how unfair it is.

Life isn't fair Kelly, no one ever promised it was or is.

I think.

2009-12-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

Today, you are a jerk... You are missing your compassion, your heart, how could you do this to anyone, much less me that stood beside you in the lowest points in your life?

Your daughter, ya know, the one that lived with me for a year, the girl I cradled from a broken heart, laughed with, loved with every fiber I had?... She called me today. She just couldn't believe that we are done, she couldn't believe that you'd really do that... and she cried. She cried because she thinks you lost the best thing that's ever happened to you. News. flash. She's so right. Sucker. Your loss. Not mine.

I can find someone else to plow my drive way, mow my grass, move my heavy stuff, etc. Hell I can even find someone to hug & kiss me if that's what I need.

You. Will never find another me.

That's the true loss here. No matter how much you laugh, you've never walked away from a single person in your entire life and you want me to think you can walk away from me?... You are wrong. You will be back & that is when I will shut you down.. the way you thought you did me.

How's that for love honey?

grrrrrrawr.

Who's going to hold me?

2009-12-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

Tonight...

When I miss his voice. Tell me I'm not going to play his voicemails over & over again.

When I miss his arms. I'm not going to crawl into his favorite sweatshirt and cry myself to sleep.

When I miss him. So much. It makes my heart ache.... physically ache.

Why wasn't I enough for you?.. I tried so hard to be the best person I could be for you....

It's these little moments in the day when I feel like my heart could litterally shatter & you'd need a ziplock to pick up the pieces.

I dreamed of our wedding day. Our babies. Our future... in an instant it's taken from me. It'd be better if you weren't still around. If your friends weren't calling to check on me. If for whatever reason it was... you didn't hate me, didn't leave me, alone. You made a promise.

I wonder how I will ever not feel this pain, this absolute dispair, I mean.. everyone expects me to be over it.. 24 hours later.. everyone expects me just not to talk about it, when I want to scream from the roof tops didn't you know how much I loved him?.. I feel like I lost my entire world. He was my world... I loved him. I still do. I don't want to be alone. I don't have a kid that needs me, I don't have a home to go home to, I have an empty shell that reminds me of what was...

I can't just pick up and pretend I'm happy.. that's not me.. my heart aches, my whole body aches because I feel like I lost the last 5 years of my life..

Right now.. I'm supposed to be saying "It's not me, It's not me, It's not me."... it's not me he wanted... it's her.

Dear Santa,

2009-12-09T09:46:00.001-08:00

All I want for Christmas is.. happiness.

Even if it is without my 5 years of relationshipness backing it. Because last night his new girlfriend and he (how highschool is this)... called me last night and let me know that he doesn't have the balls to tell me he doesn't want me, but she does.

Good thing one of them does right?

Jesus loves me still. So. I'm crumbling, crying, and trying to not die.. oh, and working & trying not to answer the phone sobbing. Just. Need. To. Get. Through. Today. Tomorrow shouldn't be this rough, right?...

I doubt it... but. I had counseling this morning. :) that glorious lady.. she held my hands & prayed with me.

So. Pray for peace for my heart. So I don't rip out his & cut his balls off, because apparently he doesn't know how to use them.

Countdown begins

2009-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Everyone this year is counting down for Christmas, then New Years.

Me? I'm counting down to my surgery. Ya know, the one where they are going to chop what makes me a woman in 1/2? :)

My nephew asked me, mind you he's 3, this weekend, why I was selling my pillows. Well, buddy, I'm paying someone to take them. Not exactly 3 year old conversational pieces, ya know?

For the most part, I'm excited, my shoulders hurt every night, last night I had a migraine, Saturday night I had one, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of feeling weighed down. So. Grab a knife lets go.

Money is pretty tight, I'm hoping to sell most of my Mary Kay stock & be able to do many homemade gifts for Christmas, we have our snowmobiles for sale & the trailer, so hopefully something gives soon!

Happy Monday! Don't forget to hop over to the cookie exchange! I tried a few of her recipes this weekend, mmmm mmm good!

Christmas

2009-12-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

Almost all the decorations are up... the tree tonight, the nativity and everything I did last night.

It prompted me to realize. A. I decorated for Christmas alone. B. I decorated for Christmas alone. Oh, C. I decorated for Christmas alone.

Who does that?..

Me. Obviously.

I will get pictures up of my masterpiece soon. :) complete with color! Ha.

As if that put you on the edge of your chair.

Check out my new side-bar- Sarah over @ Short Stop does amazing cookie ideas every Christmas. Hop on that train, my mom is going to LOVE the ginger cookies. They are my surprise to her this weekend!

Happy Holidays!
Kel

Well then.

2009-11-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

I made up my mind.

Breast reduction here I come. December 30th. Yeah. Happy New Year to me.

People can't seem to understand why I want my boobs cut in half. How about you carry them around for a day... see how you like them? Mmmk then.

Kelly

Tragedy, need prayers!

2009-11-18T07:43:00.001-08:00

Granted. I know my blog is not popular, no one reads, and that's okay. I connect and live vicariously through others... Such as the site: Aiming Low. To find the creator of this fantastic escape from my daily drab is in ICU from a stroke is a low blow. :( (no pun intended..oy)

Please pray for Anissa & her family, I'm sure they will take all the prayer they can get, if you are able to help out in any way shape or form, the Aiming Low site has a form you can complete, she has kids, family and a husband that are devastated currently.

So. I put my selfish, ugly problems on the back shelf... Please keep Anissa & family in your prayers, because.. well.. we don't have it that bad today... thanks for the reminder call God.

-Kelly-

Babies or boobs?

2009-11-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah. My dilemma. Just the beginning really.

I found out my insurance company approved my breast reduction. Yay me.

I also found out.. that.. if I have a baby it might screw things up. Not yay me.

So. I'm going to put a call into the surgeons office & find out what they recommend.

Bob seems to think they will shrink. :) me? Not so much.

Either way, I have to loose 30# by Jan. 1... woohoo.

For either procedure that is.... well.. I guess having a baby isn't a procedure now is it?.. or is it?.. huh?

Yeah... Things to discuss with my counselor. I'm sure she'll love it. :) ha. not.

Oh, happy freaking Monday.

Dealing

2009-11-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm slowly in the back corner of my life dealing with this new hurdle of depression. It makes me not motivated for anything. I once focused on the things that got me out of it, family, my relationship with Bob.. and pretty much all that has fallen apart and it's hard for me to grasp and reach out of.

I've reached a point where it's critical for me to either have a child or a hysterectomy, I have all these friends announcing pregnancies or having babies.... and I feel so alone in my struggle.... I've always said I never wanted kids for the sole reason I didn't want to be a single mom, I can't afford to adopt so where does that put me?.. because I would be a single mom.. but when I look at Isaac.. I can't help but think I want a piece of me to leave behind to the world.. a person that would make a difference in someone's life, whether it be a friendship or whatever.

I have so much on my plate, so much to digest and it's pretty much alone... I don't have anyone to relate to, someone to say, yeah I've been there, this is what I did. My obgyn recommended a grief group for women who go through this..

I know.. a public forum is no place to talk about my uterus, my life struggles... but writing helps. I wish I could have someone who has been there. I know my parents love their grandson and I want to grant them another one... because well... they were awesome parents, they are awesome grandparents and it's a support system.

Where do I start??? Where does it end?... I'm not going to turkey baster my way through life so this would have to be a committed decision and Bob & I are very rocky, children make things harder.. I know this..

I'm just so lost and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

So now I'll go back to my corner and deal with my iceberg... joy.

-Kel-

Doing.

2009-10-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

I'm making it through one day at a time. :)

I try not to dwell on November 1, and remember that with that date comes my sanity in some shape or form. I'm not going to force it.

I just try to love me and do what I can to be happy.

That's all I can do.

Well....

2009-10-14T07:14:00.001-07:00

That last post... wow. Yeah I couldn't stop crying that night, which led to a migraine that led to... yep, you got it... shots. :P

Oh how do I count the ways they screwed up this time? Bob took me in... and it was supposed to be a quick "inny-outtie" appointment, basically they walk in, say bend over & 1-2-3-4 all done, blood pressure, c-ya next time.

Not this time. I'm not a physician, don't get me wrong, I LOVE Dr. Pain, for everything he has done and the headway he has made on my condition. However, his experimental nature drives me nuts. I have 2 shots, with 2 nasal sprays at home to take the place of part of the meds, it's basically a DHE treatment for those of you fellow migraine suffers. I had done this treatment twice. It didn't work, thus ending up in the office.

Dr. Pain decided we'd try darvocet instead of diladin this time. big mistake. It did nothing. Then they pumped me full of steriods... then while I was crying.. they were going to try another round of darvocet. I said "WAIT!, WHY are we TRYING stuff that ISN'T working???????" So the nurse went and talked to Dr. Pain and Dr. Pain said "okay lets go with tried and true, I was just trying to avoid narcotics". (uhm... k... I go in for shots maybe once a month, I don't think I'm near the 'need to avoid narcotics' stage........) so dump the diladin in they did.

One small... okay... big problem. My body cannot tollerate darvocet & dialadin together... with a combo of steroids. My body went NUTS... I couldn't breathe I was dizzy from all the meds and everything itched. So they dumped some valium, benadryl and something else in... I fell asleep.. blood pressure looked good so they gave Bob the a-okay to head home with me.

It wasn't until later that evening that I realized in my allergy filled frenzy, I had scratched the skin off my nose & parts of my tummy.

Lets just say not one person got pictures of this birthday girl. :) which I had a fabulous birthday weekend, but that is so another post. :)

<3 Kel

The therapist...

2009-10-05T14:42:00.001-07:00

Says it's best for me to write out my emotions.. my feelings, to get beneath the onion skin of anger that I direct at everyone.

I'm not mad at the world. I don't hate anyone, I just don't know how to handle this pain, so I lash out inappropriately... I'd rather not feel anything. maybe Prozac is an option?.. I cannot focus on anything other then the fact that I can't breathe because every time I do I feel my heart shatter more inside my chest..

This.. isn't me. I'm looking back over entries that were so much more happier, the days when I was wondering what the ring looked like before he sent my world crashing down into tiny little pieces. I get the looks now because I'm so horribly lost... the friends that call just to make sure that I'm still alive and I have to pull it all together to be there for my best friend tomorrow.. her Grandfather died this weekend... my body screams at the thought of smiling, of being okay... but she's important to me and I know how much my life sucked when I lost a grandparent.

I'll go home & finish crying tonight.. put makeup on tomorrow so I can't cry.. and pull it together long enough to get through the next few days for her.. and let reality crash back in. As I sit here sobbing & writing.

Sobbing & writing... needing to pull myself out of this.. but can't.

Today just...

2009-09-29T09:35:00.000-07:00

Is. It happens to be another one of those days where I miss having someone to hold me, miss having someone to always go to and miss being loved on. Yeah, I said that. On a public website.

I keep telling myself, some morning I'm going to wake up and magically the heart fairy snuck in and glued the itty-bitty pieces of the shattered pieces of my heart back together. Damn little fairy is no where to be found. I even left the door unlocked.

In the mean time?... watching Jon & Kate + eight episodes is fueling my anger.. to men that make us go nuts and then come out smelling like a rose & get the next young thing while we end up holding the bag. Enjoy your freedom Jon. I mean. Bob. I mean. Dang. :P

I'd like to think the fact that I have a headache every night isn't some sort of added side effect from the whole "stressed to the max" deal. Or the fact that I'm loosing my greying hair (at 25 years old). Not too shabby girl. hahaha. I'm a Mary Kay sales woman and I can't bring myself to smear lip gloss on my face.. I don't care what it looks like when it goes out the door.

Saturday nights? My worst nightmare. I cannot behave. It's like an underage 18 year old being given a box of Mikes. It's all over. Then I end up doing stupid stuff. Like, burning macaroni and cheese and possibly kissing some guy I don't know. But we'll pretend that's hypothetical. what? I didn't take him home mom!

I have a sore throat today... lack of sleep will give you a stuffy nose.. body aches.. and reruns of the golden girls & chelsea lately.

Ooooo info-mercial. I'm off!

I actually...

2009-09-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Plan on cooking this week. With the exception of tonight, tonight is my "pasta night out" night.

I had chicken & rice last night, tonight when I get home I have to make something creative with ground beef.. or tomorrow... actually now that I think about it, if I brown it, I can make tatertot casserole in my crockpot says $10. :) haha. I love being creative.

Anyway... the purpose of cooking is that I'm making my own, cheaper version of frozen entree's. :) I will make a couple of crockpot meals & have dinner for weeks!

Yeah, then I remember, I like to cook one day a week & do it big. :) haha... I'll figure it out, maybe I'll do the casserole in my dutch oven.. with velveeta.

I'll stop. What is it about Monday that makes every so hungry?

Must be the rain... and the fact that it's 50 degrees outside when yesterday was 80. This isn't funny weather man.

Yup. :) Well. I should be working.

Kel

I'll pretend

2009-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

That my heart hasn't been ripped out of my chest and bleeding on the floor next to me. I won't show pictures, they are nasty, I admit it.

I won't sit here wondering why I left my mouth plate at home and excited because my dad found my shots on the floor of his truck.. woohoo.

I really won't pretend that he finally told me today what's wrong with him "I like my freedom, I think more then being in a relationship, you can wait for me if you want, but I don't expect you to"

Thanks jerk.

Thanks for the 4 1/2 year lesson of not to trust someone.. what the hell was the point of this again?.. You said you loved me.

Love. What a joke.

Now I get to go attend someone younger, prettier, smaller & more commited then I have ever been's wedding. Shoot me. Oh and to top it off, my pcp put me on anti depressants and suggested seeing a counselor today. Fantastic.

Have a great weekend, I'm going home to contemplate if you really do get cobwebs up there.

So I've officially...

2009-09-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

Lost my mind.

Ever have those days where you can't stay awake long enough to realize that so much is going wrong you should just push the off button & go back to bed? I do. Pretty sure it's why my house smells like burnt macaroni.

Don't ask. I'm not ready to admit my stupidity to anyone much less no one that reads this. :)

48 hours... no phone calls no nothing. Part of me wonders if he forgot that he made plans to come over last night and not only did I know that he was going to forget so I made other plans, or did he remember and just make the conscious decision to stay away?

I know I'm not making this easy... he says every time he talks to me I seem angry. uhm. Hello. Did you just wake up and haven't been around for the past 4 1/2 years? "How can you just walk away from all we had?"

*cough*cough*check*tap*tap* Is this thing on? Are we talking about the same guy that ditches me for everything I need a date for, for something else more important? Like... fishing?... Or.. the same one that doesn't spend the night. Refuses to move in, move forward period, insists he's not cheating, still wants his cake & eat it too?

Don't choke sweetheart. Just remember. I was the best thing that ever happened and you pushed me out of your life until I broke and couldn't take anymore.

Now, with my luck not a single guy wants a broken-in-to-pieces-way-too-may-times-not-even-superglue-can-put-back-together sweetie such as myself.

Figures. I always get screwed.

So.

2009-09-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

My family has lost it's mind.

In the last 48 hours. My uncle called his daughter (sorry for the language) a "cuntfaced whore" my cousin (her brother) a "pussy fat ass" oh yes. Then to top it off he ruined all her stuff, threw her $1,400 computer against a cement floor.

Can you say awesome?

This is why we don't get along at Christmas people.

Pop a Valium and go away.. for a long time.

My (whatever he is boyfriend/ex-boyfriend) he can't decide he hates me, I'm pissed at him. It's how life works, finally signed everything over to me yesterday. I can't decide if that somehow makes me happy or makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out until Sunday. boo what do you do... you either make it or don't there is no in between. I just wanted to wear the wedding dress damnit.

Yeah. I'll go to church Sunday & ask God for forgiveness for my blackened potty mouth.

Hats off & happy hump day :)
Kel

Because..

2009-09-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm broken.. I can't get my heart on to one page even if I wanted to...

You lied. You stole. You broke my heart.. my trust in men and you say I'm to blame for all this...

I don't get it.. am I just one of those people forevermore meant to be someone's door mat?......

Why am I unloved. Am I unlovable? I just.. don't understand. At all.

Finally

2009-08-25T13:29:00.001-07:00

I cried when I saw this today. This woman was posted in glamour. The magazine. She's normal.

I hate my pudge. She smiles... with the same pudge, I've never seen a woman like me have that.. and suddenly I feel better about not doing 50 sit ups last night. :)

Embrace yourself today ladies.

It's time.

2009-08-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

To buckle back down. Tomorrow I'm starting a diet plan with the aide of a nutritionist called: Cinch.

I'm also starting back to the gym Monday... and... spin classes Thursday & Saturday mornings. Yippie.

So tonight I'm going shopping for my 3 page list. :) yeah.. it really is THAT big! Cooking up meals... making myself a list so I can freeze some of them, which requires carrying 1/2 of the freezer inside outside.. but it will be all good :)

Then tomorrow.. starts my 2 shakes a day.. and planned meals. Wish me luck. I'm almost back to my starting weight.. almost. I'm bound and determined to turn this train wreck around.

So. Tomorrow.. is day 1 of new me. 8/9/09. Go Kelly go! :)

Deep Breaths.

2009-08-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

There are these moments in life... when people tell you don't sweat the small stuff... to relax & take it as it comes.
There is one person on this entire earth that has ever made me want to stop & smell the roses...

Just one moment at a time. There's 60 seconds in a minute, 60 of those in an hour... and that gives me 3,600 seconds to not sweat the small stuff. To get out my camera and capture the moments when he too enjoys life.
This week may have been horrible, but for 3,600 seconds. It was pure joy. Joy of just having a little smile. Joy of feeling those little arms wrap around me... kisses... unconditional love.

Kyle is home. He has a bruised lung and bruised rib cage, but he's alive. Thank you all for your prayers.

Not fair, Not fair, Not fair.

2009-08-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

But then.. life isn't is it?

This morning my brother was on a ladder that collapsed. My mom said it hit him in the chest, a guy who talked to my dad this morning said impaled. I'm wondering if my mom sugar coated it for the sake of my sanity that is wearing thin.

Why so much? Why death.. Why all this crap, take the little man away, now my brother is in the hospital. I mean seriously?

I can't... have any more. I can't take anymore. I already am walking around in zombie land that I pretend I don't exists. I'm a figment of their imagination.

Just stop... please... what ever, why ever... I know, it could get worse. Has great potential for turning into something even more shitty.

I've been screwed enough this year. I'm at the point of wanting to lie down and die.

Trying...

2009-08-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to come through all of this as a better person. I'm trying to tell myself the fact I can't turn my head to the left & lift my arm above my shoulder is because I pulled something, not because you can see the knot of stress.

Dealing is such a nasty word. People expect you to pick up and move on as if half of your life hasn't been torn away and your heart is shattered in pieces. I'm trying to be the bigger adult here.. not call screaming & cussing at people just because I hurt. Trying. I miss him so, so much.

There's so much else going on.. this wonderful economy & a bank have our business in jeopardy, if the pieces don't fall into place quick & easy... we could lose everything.. and I contemplate whether making my house payment is smarter or my car payment, would I rather have a house in the middle of nowhere with no car or a car with no house. Ahhh decisions decisions.

I had my cousins all over this weekend... it helped make my nights alone not seem so lonely.. if that's at all possible. It is.. but still... it's just... laughing felt good. We watched Madea goes to Jail. It was hilarious... it made me go to the movie store & rent a movie for each night this week that doesn't focus on little kids and sadness.

I got to see him Sunday.. I took 123 pictures... yeah.. 123... and videos upon videos... to capture every little thing we feel like we are missing... I sware he was like "lady... get rid of the camera" but he can't talk.. and his skills.. are I don't know at a stop. I hope his heart isn't breaking too.

I'll share some pictures tomorrow.. hopefully hump day will make me less nastalgic. :)

Out of the Ordinary.

2009-07-29T08:51:00.001-07:00

Sticky Chicken. Should be called "AMAZING to DIE for Chicken"

I adapted this recipe from Darcylee & Kristen's Sites.

I used 2lbs of chicken thighs & it worked great, I put it in an oven @ 350 for 2 hours... so you do have a little play! What I did was add 2 fresh oranges juiced, let it refrigerate for 24 hours... it turned out delish! I however only used the chicken... the skin turned out a little crispy, but when chicken goes back on sale I plan on shredding a TON of it... it'd be great for soups, salads, sandwiches... num!

Whole Chicken

4 teaspoons salt

2 teaspoons paprika

1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon thyme

1 teaspoon white pepper

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

1 whole chicken

1 cup chopped onion

In a small bowl, thoroughly combine all the spices. Remove the giblets from the chicken, clean the cavity well, and pat dry with paper towels.

Rub the spice mixture into the chicken, both inside and out, making sure it is evenly distributed. Place in a resealable plastic bag, OR, place in the roasting pan, and refrigerate overnight.

When ready to roast the chicken, stuff the cavity with the chopped onions and place in a shallow roasting pan. Roast, uncovered, at 250 degrees for 5 hours. After the first hour, baste the chicken occasionally (about every half hour or so) with the pan juices. The pan juices will start to caramelize on the bottom of the pan and the chicken will turn a golden brown. If the chicken has a pop-up thermometer, ignore it. Let the chicken rest for 10 minutes before carving.

Note: If you don't want to use the full 4 teaspoons of salt, you can substitute some or all of it with another of the spices on the list. Also, I've never bought white pepper before so I just replace it with another of the spices. It will be delicious no matter what.

Chicken Pieces

Rub all over the chicken pieces. Let sit on the counter 30 minutes (I let sit over night). Bake in 250 degree oven for 3 1/2 hours (not as long as a whole chicken because pieces cook faster). The meat will literally be falling off the bones. Eat it right then or debone it and save it for other recipes.

Some options for use: chicken salads, sandwiches, soups, casseroles like enchiladas, divan, or fried rice, add to spanish rice, serve with dumplings, the possibilities are endless. This chicken has such a wonderful flavor, though, you may find yourself just eating it plain!

Aching

2009-07-27T13:14:00.001-07:00

You know when you look through your phone for that last picture you had... or try to find the last piece of clothing that smells like him... the pillow he last slept on...

Randomly... the night we found out he was gone for a year.. my mom had given me a collage of pictures of him for Christmas it was hanging on the kitchen wall.. it fell, off the nail and on the floor, the glass didn't crack or anything ugly it was just lying there like "hey... I'm still here"..

Yesterday, I got to see him... he didn't want to wake up from his nap.. so I cuddled him and felt those little wet curls against my head and felt his little heart beating next to mine.

You know.. when they tell you, you never miss something until it's gone?.. Don't let it leave. I'm telling you right now, if you don't appreciate the little stuff until it's ripped from your hands and you are forced to cry yourself to sleep every night wondering why... you'll wish you could go back and learn from someone's other than your own mistakes. I'm that someone. Love it. Love him. Love her.

I cried last night... all by myself... thinking about his little hand holding mine.. the kisses from the angel... the hug that I had to turn and walk away from. I know you can't hold them for all your life, but you want to.

I miss you little man.

Devistation

2009-07-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

This is my little man. Better known as the reason for living to a few people.

My little man was taken based on income and a common everyday illness known as bi-polar.

CPS has him for a year.. not where he belongs, not getting tucked in and sung to every night by the people he should be, God hope who has him does. A year.. to take classes.. to be a "better parent" and then maybe... if you're good, they will grace you with his presence again.

3 years old... ripped him away from everything he knows... and... his 4th birthday will come and go... without giving him new construction paper & cool little markers that draw on them, without giving him a glob of crayola clay that he plays with for literally hours... or a trampoline.. that is going to sit unused for a year because his little feet will not bounce on it. No little arms to wrap around my neck... no little guy running at me with a huge grin on his face.. because he's gone. Gone.

For Christmas, thanksgiving, easter, halloween... what will he be this year... do we buy presents and leave them unopened in the corner until he returns home next year?... or do we hope an hour out of the week that he's allowed to see his parents is enough for him to understand we are waiting and love him and so much of this is out of our control.

Because they brought a case that wasn't valid to a doorstep that fought back.. they ripped a baby boy out of his home... because they couldn't win one they nit picked to be able to win another and took.. the life out of me, of everyone that is part of his life... and what for?? So this woman can keep her job and say she's successful while children are being beaten to death a county over... where kids are tied to their beds & die in fires because they can't get out, in her county.. but that's okay, because she got one.. away from someone who is on carefully controlled meds and gave their lives to being the best parents possible.

EVERYONE GIVE A HAND TO CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES. They can't seem to do their job where it needs to be done, but they can take a child out of his home that doesn't deserve it. I'd love to say a word that starts with an f and ends with something remotely rhyming with duck.... but... I'm a bigger person then they are. I would never take their little man away because some fat asshole with lots of money is sitting in the corner feeding it to me.

Hope everyone at CPS slept well last night, because I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying again. Thanks for destroying my family.

Just because...

2009-07-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

Just because.. I made it through another week.. doesn't mean my heart feels better.

Just because.. I decided to take that leap and get out of bed this morning.. doesn't mean I wanted to.

Just because.. I smile.. doesn't mean I mean it.. or that it sits in my eyes.

Just because.. I pretend I'm okay.. doesn't mean I am.

And last but not least...

Just because.. I say I'm okay with spending the rest of my life alone, marriage and childless... does not mean I am. I'll be honest. I'm not and it scares me to my very core. What is that phrase.. sometimes the best laid plans are best laid to rest?

Rest.. best laid plan.. because sadly you seem to slipping through my fingers like tiny grains of sand.. and with it? Goes my sanity... and comes back this nagging feeling of the "Unlovable" stamp.

Yippie.

Stole

2009-07-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

I stole this from my friend Abby... I'm sure she wasn't the originator of it.. but I've been doing a lot of meditating on it.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... Wait for the boy who pursues you, who kisses your forehead, who wants to show u off when ur in sweats. who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks you are the prettiest when you have no makeup on and insists on holding you around the waist. The one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... the one who turns to all his friends and says "that's her"......"

I've only been honest about my life to one person. To everyone else I've kept my relationship & the horror that is going on in my own battle ground. However... I have a gut feeling.. like.. the lead balloon theory.. I'm tired of being alone. Yeah I know, I'm in a relationship.

Maybe I'll be famous someday with the worlds "dumbest relationship recap"

For now.. please just think/pray/knock on wood for me?
<3 Kel

Young love..

2009-07-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

My cousin saw my high school crush today. He couldn't remember my name... I was just that one girl that had the crush on him.

Oh... how I cried when I out he had a g/f... that was pretty and older.

However... you know.... he couldn't even remember my name... I was a shadow in high school, with out many friends, wasn't involved in much and teased unmercifully.

Today though, he couldn't remember my name. The hot jock that I was totally head over heals enamored with... couldn't remember something as simple as "Kelly".

Boy did he miss out.

I went from geek... to gorgeous in 2.5 years. Sorry, but these belong to someone else.

Ha. ;)

I'm a singer...

2009-07-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

I understand the icons we have in place today. Let me say that without inserting the *cough*idols*cough*. Oops I missed.

I remember watching my first celebrity funeral. Princess Diana. I cried. I cried the night she died, she was such a good person and there were so many bad people out there. She lived to improve the world with her own two hands. Happening upon something like fame that she used for good... the fame that killed her.

I do not. I repeat not. Get the obsession over Michael Jackson. I'll be honest. K? Yeah, he was a good singer, I liked some of his stuff. Loved a song or two... but seriously. Step back for a second. What did he do besides deliver hits? He used, squandered, his millions on buying a house with an amusement park. Don't get me wrong.... but... aren't there tons of those around the country? That he could like... I dunno.. rent for a day? What did he do? I just, don't get the hoopla, and I'm sorry, maybe it's bratty. He was a son, a brother, a husband. That, I understand anguish for. That I get. No one, no... nope, no one, should want to see dead pictures of anyone that isn't immediate family. We as a nation are sick.

I saw a wonderful post by Preferred Mobile Homes on their billboard the other day... it said "Happy 4th of July, Wake up America, you are losing your independence"

When the death of a pop icon creates more news, more American outrage then the fact that 6 years ago people walked in, caught us with our pants down and attacked us and we've forgotten that, we've turned into a sad, sad, country.

Wake up.

Mean Friend.

2009-06-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I can't honestly tell you what a mean friend I am.

Cuz I am.

I'm going on my road trip while a friend of mine... that my heart aches for buries his father.

I need to, I'm sorry. I need to clear my head and figure out just what I want and what I need to get what I want.

Pretty vague, but things have been pretty crappy. I don't know how to fix them, I don't know if they can be fixed, or if I want too.

So I'm.. running. Away, for a bit, to clear my head. Just going... getting in the truck and going.. filling my days with sunshine & no service.

My heart goes out to my friend that just lost his dad. I... feel selfish still having mine here. Why is death so prominent lately? Quit dying people. I realize it's the circle of life, but these circles seem to be getting smaller and smaller with no explanation. We as humans need that explanation.

Oy. I'm leaving now, because I can and I have to.

xoxo

Keeping one's mouth shut...

2009-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Is a form of character I've yet to develop.

Therefore, I'm pretty positive I jinxed my brother's homecoming, since it was quite short lived.

Yeah, that means he's back.

Now's where I'm supposed to have something inspirational. I don't. It sucks. I'm not gonna lie.

I'll just hope it gets better.

Kel

So it goes.

2009-06-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

My brother is home, he had strep throat in his foot, further exacerbated by the fact that he shot shrapnel in there. fabulous. He's home.

The nurse looked at me really funny this morning when asked what our form of support was as a family unit. "Well... we give him a swift kick in the pants when he needs it."

What can I say?

I'm looking at doing a health program the nutritionist yesterday suggested. It's by Shaklee products called "Cinch". However, I'm not very motivated to do it until after I come back from my vacation. Why, you ask? Well. I'm going to a lamb farm. Fresh lamb people. Nothing lowfat about it. I'm also planning on sinking my teeth into some fresh eggs. Yeah, outta the hen house fresh.

'Nuff of this mess. :) I've hardly been at work today, time to look like I'm working!

Thanks for the prayers,
Kel

I have..

2009-06-15T12:40:00.001-07:00

Polycystic ovary syndrome. I see a nutritionist tomorrow to work on a way to help reach my goal easier with my weigh.

A prayer request. My brother is in the hospital. He has lead and blood poisoning from gun shells going off & shrapnel hitting his skin when they exploded. His previous condition of his body attacking itself is back and he has a very wicked infection in his foot. Please, please keep him in your prayers.

A thanks.. to all the love & support from my friends and family.. for what I wish not to divulge at this time... but please keep me & family in our prayers!

Thanks,
Love,
Kelly

Terror

2009-05-28T07:20:00.001-07:00

Due to the results of my blood tests & ultrasounds. I have to have a biopsy performed tomorrow.

I'm so scared right now I can hardly breathe.

Oy.

Did I not just get done saying???

2009-05-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Mark Gillikins passed away this weekend. He was Bob's former boss and a few of the guys that work for us had him as an employer as well. Motorcycle accident. There were 3 this weekend of note. Jeffery Gus was also involved in a motorcycle accident, he's currently in surgery.

I promise I tried my hardest to avoid morbidness this weekend. :)

Congrats Kari & Frank :) I loved your wedding, it was special & sweet. The reception. Open bar. It got a little crazy. I went to the cemetery for the memorial day shooting of guns. I stopped by & saw them. I miss you Gram.

It was a good weekend, too much sun, not enough sleep & good food. :) who could seriously ask for more?

I think I could ask that the intake gasket on my engine not have blown, but I'm guessing I'm not gonna get it. hehe.

*Kel*

Happy Friday.

2009-05-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's Friday.

Today. Everyone in 2 hours gets to say goodbye to Nick, followed by a gathering in the park... I feel so sad when I think of everyone who's lives have been devastated by this tragedy. A tragedy that shouldn't have taken place. Oy.

It's hard to imagine how fast life can change, but it takes one, just one second. One breath missed. Please keep the Barnharts in your prayers. Keep Bob in them too, he's sad. Don't ever tell him I admitted that, he'll kill me. :)

Well. Everyone have a fantastic Memorial Day weekend, please, please be safe. I really don't like the idea of my blog becoming the obits.

Hugs & Love,
Kel

How?

2009-05-20T11:49:00.001-07:00

How do you help someone get through their grief?

We are having benefits & fundraisers to help with funeral costs... doing everything we know humanely possibly to help through this time... but...

There's no glue for glue for grief, you can't bring a child back to a parent, death is irreversible.

I know it happens every day, but it... it just shouldn't.
Oh man, I'd just die... and again my heart breaks & aches.

Prayers... for Ron.. Heather & Mike.. for all the parents that have experienced this unfair loss.

<3 Kel

I feel. Pretty...

2009-05-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Selfish.

I'm sick. No denying that. However, (as far as I know) I'm not dying. I get miraines, there are days I don't get out of bed. I have something growing in my uterus, I finally told my mom yesterday and watched her go from tan to ghost... in a way I wish my car would go.. it's not over though.

Saturday night. Grown men. GROWN. Were playing with fire and accelerates in a non-controlled environment. There is a 20 year old man that touched many people's lives... especially his dad who was his best friend. That is dead out of morbid curiosity. Last night when they explained he only had a 1% chance to live... they decided the best choice they had was to stop Nick's suffering and let him go home to God.

With so many illnesses and diseases out there... why are we so careless with this gift that is handed to us? There is a mother from California... grieving the loss of her baby girl... there is a father from Michigan now grieving the loss of his buddy, his son, his best friend.

I get so sick of being on this rollercoaster. I'm alive... I mean.. all this pain, I'm alive. I'm picking daises not pushing them...

My heart just aches, because I can't imagine going back to those first months when I lost my bestfriend, I can't go back to a time & place where life seemed so meaningless and I tried not to cry when I woke up because all my senses were in shock from crying myself to sleep the night before.

That kind of pain is just... unexplainable... and yet we live through it, because death begets life. Or is it the other way around? Life begets death? What kind of life has a 17 month old seen? What kind of life has a 20 year old had? I mean... I had traveled to Europe and all that, but I hadn't really fallen in love... I hadn't bought my first house... hadn't experienced the evil throws of debt.

How much life does it take to live it?.....

Migraines

2009-05-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

Why.. oh why won't these stupid things go away?

6 treatments of DHE this morning, phenerghan, & tordol... and I can't break it..

Why is this much pain even possible? Even with the phenerghan I still feel like vomiting on my keyboard.

I'm going now. To go give myself more injections. Jerk Doctors... :(

~Kel

Missed one!

2009-05-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

I missed a fun give away that came out after I blogged yesterday, or I just plain missed it! Over @ $5 dinners. Cute tote! :)

Oh. Now I will share with you some recipes I'm going to try with my rice flour... :) I'm so excited!!!

(and I just can't hide it!... I....)'m gonna stop NOW. :)

Who doesn't love cheese.. and bread? (I'm a thief, it's from food network.com)

Sweet Rice Flour & Cheese Bread

Ingredients

1 large cinnamon stick
1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup vegetable shortening
1 cup granulated sugar
4 large eggs
1 pound rice flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
2 cups finely grated aged cotija cheese

Directions

Grind the cinnamon in a coffee grinder. Butter a 9 by 13-inch glass baking dish. In the bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and shortening. Add the sugar and whip until light and fluffy. Beat in 1 egg at a time. Sift the rice flour and baking powder into the mixture a little at a time. Stir in the cheese. Then add the batter to the buttered baking dish and cook for 20 to 25 minutes in 425 degree F oven until golden brown on the outside.

Who doesn't want cookies?

Rice Flour Sugar Cookies

3 cups of rice flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 cup butter

2 eggs, beaten

1 cup sugar

Directions

Mix all ingredients together to form dough

Roll dough out and cut out as desired, its fun to make these into holiday shapes or quick and easy just to cut into circles

Bake at 350 degrees 8-10 minutes

Frost or decorate as desired

:) enjoy! I know I will!

I wonded!

2009-05-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

That's I won!

Rice flour @ The Blossoming Skillet!

I never win anything, what a way to start off a Monday!

I would suggest for your bright Monday checking out We Are THAT Family's give away. This one I am too excited about, check out the site, it has some really nice stuff!

Oh bloggy world, you give me something to look forward to. Someday, when I get subscribers to here, wouldn't it be fun to have my own giveaways??? :)

What a thing to look forward to on Monday!

For perfect pancakes for next weekends breakfast check out Pioneer Woman's.

For gardening advice (since it is that time of year) head on over to $5 Dinners (trust me it's more then just gardening!)

Alright, there's my bloggy high lights. I didn't get to race this weekend. Next weekend is Thunder Nationals... but I'm sure excited to run in it! :)

Happy Monday!

Borrowing babies...

2009-05-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

When I get bored, & feel that baby need creeping in.. I borrow children. :) of all ages, shapes & attitudes...

I never get bored taking pictures of them... cuz honestly... I really want to know.. how this little guy can go from looking 2 & cute... (okay downright adorable)...
To managing to look 18... carefree, I don't care... take my picture look. I'm cool in my 80's high chair :)
Samantha.. her middle name Joy is so appropriate, it has never taken much to make this child happy...
Madi either. Look at that smile. They both loved the merry-go-round. It gave Aunt Kelly all kinds of time just to enjoy them... and they slept good that night :)
Have a great weekend!

He remembered.

2009-04-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

So. The past few weeks have been very trying on our relationship. Trying to get this car done, little money, him trying to move (with all this rain, it's been pretty unsuccessful & with the racing season now upon us, I wonder if life will ever be "normal" again), and then we have all the wonderful medical issues I've seemed to be having lately.

This morning, he did a big no-no. (it's okay though... read on)

I went to the gym first today because we are going over to another couple's house tonight to work on the car, adjust the belts, alignment & possibly toss new breaks on. I talked to him about 2 hours into work, and I had a protein bar this morning, but I'm starving and cucumber slices didn't sound appetizing. So I'm cranky. On top of hormonal cranky, I'm hungry cranky & sleep deprived cranky. That makes for one very cranky female.

I'm pretty sure I was whining. Then out of the blue, he just shows up. With a bag. I could smell it when he walked in the door........ he got me waffles. I smelled eggs (the man NEVER gets my egg order right... they are always runny... I can't stand snot on my eggs. Sorry to all you undercooked egg lovers). My heart sank... what did I work out for this morning. Is he seriously not paying attention?

My face must have read my horror because... it's a whole wheat Belgian waffle... with strawberries.. and some extra strawberry mush... with no sugar... and some sugar free strawberry jelly. wait for it... wait.... the eggs. Cooked perfect w/no pepper.

I must have really rocked him good last night when I had a monstrous break down, imagine my blog yesterday being the top of the hill on the rollercoaster... I bet I babbled for 2 hours, a long with a lot of crying about how nothing in my life can seem to go right. Between waiting 4 years for this move and so much going wrong with the car & life in general.

The axis tipped today though. While I was enjoying my perfect eggs as he sat & watched me enjoy every last strawberry (I offered to share)..... I realized... it doesn't matter if I'm on the track on Saturday... it doesn't matter what drawers his stuff goes in... it doesn't matter if I do have to have these surgeries done well before I'm able. I'm loved. Loved. He remembered I couldn't eat bad food.. no tempting bacon, sugar free stuff and my eggs... no snot.

I'm just amazed. I'm that special. You remembered. It doesn't happen often, he's male.

now. hand over the ring... and no one gets hurt..... :) ha.

Kel

Not Fair, Not Fair, Not Fair

2009-04-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I say this while stomping my feet.

I thought I was all done with hospitals & surgery. Then I get an ominous call from my doctors office about the blood tests I had ordered myself because my female side is all a mess & my hormones are going crazy enough for me to want to go cow tipping one minute & sit down & bawl the next.

I've been having problems sleeping again lately... so I just wanted to see if there was a funky combo going on or something. The conversation went like this:

PCP: Ms. R*ink?

Me: Yep! Tell me you have some good news.

PCP: I conferred with Dr. Kline (my obgyn- that said 3 years ago I needed a hysterectomy, but because my condition wasn't life threatening & I haven't had any bald little people yet. :) hehe) and we have collectively decided that it is time for a petition based on your latest blood tests to have this done within the next 3 months.

HOLD THE PHONE this is the point where I sat down, tried not to hyperventilate & evaluate what is going on...

PCP: Your counts are dangerously low, which explains the fatigue, we believe the hormone wack is due also to your body constantly cycling and we feel that organ failure is a possiblity if your body keeps going like this.

I sit deadly silent.

PCP: Michelle & I scheduled you an appointment on May 11th. It is crucial you look at your schedule and see when the best time would be for you to tackle this. (uhm, never?)

The door on my office opens... and in walks Mr. I'm here to save the day as I'm in tears trying to decide what to say. Yeah, that's impeccible timing... works for me.

PCP: Kelly?

me: yeah......... *sniffles* I'm here.... isn't there anyway we can look @ November?.. I'm doing such a great job loosing weight.... I just... I don't want to lose momentum & I have that reduction around the same time... can't we collaborate & do it all at once?

PCP: Well. Come to your appointment... bring your list of pro's & con's, we'll see what we can do after consulting with Dr. W*nston (my migraine specialist) of what we can put you on and what we can't... we'll see where we can go. I don't know if we'll be able to get the plastics to work together with the g.y. specialist, but... maybe we can team this together. Your insurance would love it. Look, let us see what we can do behind the sceans and try to make this as painless as possible. (hahah he said painless) Michelle will see you in a few days, we'll run some more tests on you just to make sure it wasn't an off day & we'll run her from there. (this makes me think of the guys talking about the race car).

So. A week ago, they want to take 1/2 my boobs. Now they are serious about ripping my woman-ness out... and all by the age of 26.

I'm in utter terror. My last post about not being able to lose weight seems pretty dang trivial. Considering... after a little google & md sites... this may be part of the reason I'm so fat. Hormones co-inside with your metabolism. Glory be. It may not be just my weakness for a little chocolate egg every so often.

Still. Doesn't mean it makes it okay. Still scared.

Speaking of the race car. My first race is Saturday. :) mmmm yeah.

Tell me that hunka-hunka chrome doesn't make your heart go "pitter-patter". Well it may not, but it's power baby.. and even though I don't quite comprehend it all. I know it's going to go fast enough to put me at about a solid 12.5 seconds to do a quarter mile.

=) yeah.. a little Vin Diesel. It's alllllll good. There we go.. there's a bright side, I can catch up on all my missed movies. Mom & Dad have on demand, I can rack up their bill. Cuz.. yeah I won't be home for the first couple of weeks when they rip my innards out, something about it taking a 33 minute average for ambulances to reach my in-the-smack-dab-middle-of-no-where home. :)

*sigh*
Is it nap time yet?

Focus.

2009-04-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

I am... having an incredibly hard time dieting the past few days. Not just hard time, but impossible.

I can't stay on track to save my life, I had a chocolate egg yesterday at mom's- granted it's the size of a quarter, but it's still chocolate. Then Friday night?.. I had popcorn... with butter and salt. That's 2 screw ups in a 48 hour period. Note, the scale cannot take that kind of abuse.

Then. Last week with my migraines, the doctor said something I'd been dreading. Breast reduction. I'm a wuss when it comes to pain, very big wuss when it comes to having my body hacked into. I realize, I really do, boobs are a vanity thing, they are put there for men to derive some sort of pleasure out of & Bob could honestly care less, I mean he cares, but he's also sick of driving me & sitting for hours watching me get pumped full of so much meds we have to stop 4 times on the way home to vomit. I can understand that, it gets tiring, emotionally exhausting when the person you love is sleeping in the jacuzzi tub because when she wakes up it's all she can do to not vomit on herself. I still have to get the bedroom carpet cleaned. I can't get the stain out!.. Any ideas?

I've lost around 40lbs, I have about another 50 to go before I'd be comfortable saying I want to maintain that weight... doctor said June for breast reduction, I burst into tears & said January, Bob said no, lets compromise with November. Now I have this evil little thing in the back of my head that jumps up & down at the sight, smell, vision of food that says "hey... the longer you drag out losing weight?... you won't have to have to have your chesticals hacked at!" It's like an excuse to eat. A very, very bad one.

It's all mental. I know that. Totally mental, but I can't get it out of my head. When I think of all the food I used to eat it makes me sick. I miss some of it though. Not french fries & soda & stuff... but... I do miss sweet tea, pop corn & cow. Ohhhh do I miss beef. There isn't a real "lowfat" option to incorporate it into my diet.

Okay. So I guess I'm having one of those days/weeks/months that everything just seems to be overwhelming, but I visit everyone's blogs & realize... my life is so nothing like what others are going through, cancer, losing a child, etc. and here I sit with a page of whining.

I wish they had AA for food. I need to attend. I have an unhealthy, make you obese, obsession with it. I did laundry last night so I didn't eat. I actually was pretty proud of me.

I'm just... at a road block. I need to over come it, with gym time I suppose.. force myself to behave?

Thanks for letting me rant & rave. I'm sure there will be more on the reduction front. I just can't wait.. :P haha.

*Kel*

This weeks give aways

2009-04-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Rice Flour @ The Blossoming Skillet If you have not yet tried rice flour, it's a fun substance to work with. For instance, Chili's restaurants makes their sinful chicken tenders with it!

Dole Basket @ $5 dinners seriously... this is over $500 go log in!

Well that's all I got, unless of course you are bored & want to slide over to one of my fav. country women... Pioneer Woman.

K that's it. Happy Monday.

Ooooo wait. one. more. thing. I'm gonna be an auntie again.

Sweet babies!

We borrowed...

2009-04-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

Pablo Picasso.

I'll give him back next week. maybe.

Seriously though, he's ambidextrious. Sweet nibblets I'm in love with this kid!

Wait a minute. 25 year old woman who watches too much Hannah Montana say what?.... :P

K. So I love him. Check out the precious baby face! How could you not?

Did I mention he loves rubberbands?

The good, the bad, the ugly.

2009-04-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

Lets start with ugly. I have 3 IV marks from the last 2 days. One blew & had to be replaced. Yippie, the migraines came back.

The bad? They lasted for 3 days, and didn't break my first 3 treatments, they sent me home just in time to vomit in my front yard, thus inducing day 2 of 2 treatments. More aggressive this time & I get sent home with my own shot kit of all kinds of fun narcotics, I think they are tired of seeing me :)

The good? (kinda...... I think......) We talked breast reduction. Big time. I've lost almost 40 lbs and none of it is boobs. Time to see a surgeon. A double I cup is nothing to joke or laugh about, but my pain clinic gal says I'm probably walking around with 30 lbs of boob. 30 lbs! That's a 2 year old!

The great? It's Wednesday... clap your hands we are 1/2 way done with the week!

Oh yeah.. I lost about 6lbs this week... jealous? Don't be. Most of it is still in the front yard... yeah. I haven't had the energy to go out there with a bucket... betcha money if I turn my back on the dogs I wouldn't have to worry about it.

ewww. K, I'll stop :)

Kel

Tell me, this doesn't break your heart..

2009-04-17T08:26:00.001-07:00

Doesn't this just make you want to drive to CA & hug.. this poor girl.. and everyone touched by Maddie.

Heather's Blog

What a horror. My heart just breaks for them. No one, no one, should ever have to pick up their baby from a morgue.

Have a great weekend everyone & keep these precious people in your prayers & hearts.

Love,
Kel

Heavy, Heavy....

2009-04-14T13:41:00.001-07:00

I have a few prayer requests..

Doug.. isn't doing well with his cancer.. please keep him in your prayers.

My trainer, JoLynn at the gym, lost her best friend in a freak medical accident yesterday.

One of my fellow bloggers, Linny, is going through a really, really, really tough time, they lost their house & have been hard hit since. Pray for a blanket of comfort for her today & those touched by her.

Another one of my fellow bloggers, Heather, laid her daughter to rest today. Please, please, keep this sweet sweet family in your thoughts today & for the next few?

My brother.. still is fighting for himself... my whole family.. all I can say is UGH. That's about as public as I can go right now.. please pray for Isaac, Ali, Sammi, & Tori... children should never have to face what they are facing..

Lastly.. my shoulders & neck have been a huge issue lately.. I visited good 'ole doc today.. a breast reduction is looking more & more probable. Take my uterous.. my breasts... should I shave my head as well?... =( My problems are mere compared to what others face, please pray for my attitude. I either need to deal & work through it or accept it and do it. Neither is something I want.

On an exciting note. I start racing next Saturday. Yay!

Love & hugs,
Kel

Happy Easter, a little late.

2009-04-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, these make me happy. :)

This is seriously what life is all about. :) We got to see our little man after 2 months of agony... as a family, it was fantastic.

Because every blogger in the nation is crying...

2009-04-11T08:20:00.001-07:00

Madeline Alice Spohr - November 11, 2007 - April 7, 2009

My heart & soul go out to Mike & Heather Spohr.

They lost their daughter, life, heart & soul= Maddie.

March of Dimes

<3

Biggest Looser #2

2009-04-07T09:50:00.001-07:00

Well, for those of you who are unaware. I came in 5th place of the biggest loser competition @ the gym with 30#. Yep. 30. I have to admit, I look pretty good, but I'm ready for another round.

Saturday, I got to enjoy some Red Lobster (thanks to gift cards for completing the biggest loser) and I ate a burger! Sunday I was a good girl for the most part, I had a couple pieces of pizza w/the family.

Monday morning, game time #2. =) I deliberately drank a lot of water before weigh in yesterday which rolled in @ 277. That's just 24 lbs, but... about 6 of it is water weight lol. I can't wait for the weigh in for the first time... I'm working hard at it.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support.. during this very tumultuous time in my life & my families life.

I'm very excited to have something to work towards, June 1st is the final weigh in. Sweet! My goal this summer is to FINALLY be in a suit that doesn't require skirting around it! Yeah I sound like a mobile home, good news is I don't look like one anymore! I'll post pictures VERY soon I promise, I just have to figure out how to remove them from my phone!

*hugs*
Kel

Love this baby...

2009-04-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

Please, please never lose your smile...

Stay just this precious forever.....

Honest to God..

2009-03-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help myself. I bought this dress for a friends wedding & well.. now that the wedding is called off.. I still love the dress... we aren't having a traditional wedding.. (hahaha.. I don't even have the ring yet)... but a girl can plan right?
So here.. in all it's glory... he won't know... but.. it's the one. Will go perfect with anything I decide to dress him in which will probably be jean's & his blue shirt, unless he goes all crazy on me & buys khakis or something, that would probably freak me out to the bottom of my toes though. :)

Isn't it pretty? The blue? Perfect with jean's & that blue shirt he doesn't know he's wearing yet, but he will because well... he was wearing it the night I said "why don't you pick me up at 7?"

I'm writing that story.. just to make ya'll weak in the knees.

Asking Daddy...

2009-03-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

So. As I said... he asked my dad... the conversation went much like this:

Bob: "Al. You know I love Kelly, I'd like the spend the rest of my life with her... may I have your permission to marry her?" (this would be him.. and I just love this picture.......... it grabs my heart...)

Al (my dad): "No way. She can do way better" (this picture is PRETTY descriptive of my dad)

Bob *awkward silence* "uhmmm"

Al: "HAHA just kidding, welcome to the family!"

=D so. Now. I just need that ring. To make it all official!

soon? Please? I just... well honestly I just wanna show it off ;) and say nah nah nah nah nah!

Still, I'm floating on cloud 9!
Kel

So you know...

2009-03-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

Many of you who know me... know I'm not a huge fan of marriage for myself. My family has a long history of divorce, starting with grandparents all the way down to the grandkids.. (us). Plus.. Bob's been married before.. lets not jump into things, blah blah blah.

however

I'm not against it. The future?.. yeah.. I see marriage... not a "white dress w/bells on" kinda marriage, the kind where you get married in the court house, have a huge party @ the parents & go home & party yourselves... ;) *blushers*

So... I was FLOORED last night when my mother called screaming from the roof tops & anyone that would listen... that Bob & my dad had that talk. Yeah, the Mr. I'm never (EVER) getting married again.. had that talk with my dad. I said a few days ago he asked about my ring size.. and said I was figuring on years?... Apparently I'm looking more at weeks... days?... hours????... =)

So I may be the bounciest, luckiest woman there is today.. even though I swore I'd never do it. Ironically you know they say... never say never.

*Kel*

It can stop pouring any day...

2009-03-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

So. I attended a church a few times out by me... as I'm considering going back full time, I drive past this week. The church is called "Open Dorr Church". The sign says "Closed". Parking lot this weekend. Empty. ???

First let me say: He's okay. Bob was in an accident last night. He crossed paths with a pole that was pretty unforgiving as it was made out of concrete. I didn't ask, he's never had an accident.. well with the exception of my dad's motorhome & is an impeccible driver.. and his games a little off...

we can't get financing for the lawn equipment we need for our contracts this summer... $60,000 worth the money down the drain?

... I called my investment office this morning... as I've given.. $6,000 to God knows who... and pulled it all out. I'm paying off my credit cards, fixing this house up and getting out of debt. I'm so sick of all this I could honestly vomit. again

Everyone has been telling me it's good to have some bad debit as long as you work with it, blah blah blah. My credit is a mess and it will take a year or so to fix it, not in disrepair or having to wait 7 for bad things to clear, just turn this debt thing upside down & since I'm throwing money away to.. I haven't quite figured out yet...

This would alleviate some of my stress.

Good news? I worked off another 3lbs over the weekend. Went from 178 to 175.2. At least something is going my way......

Yay for Monday

2009-03-23T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well. I weighed in on Tuesday... only to find out, I had gained 5lbs. I was bound and determined that would be gone by Friday. Well... all I have to say is: go determination! I won! 5.5lbs.

I've only 2 more weigh ins until the end of the contest, I'm really excited. I have to work super extra hard to kick Mollie out of 1st place, but I will win!

Family life has been extremely difficult... everyone is struggling... on the bright side though my mom starts a new job today & she's so excited! =) She's going back into the medical field, a little less dealing with unhappy craft customers & a lot more of a work environment she will love.

I've been doing a 1/2 hour on the arc trainer.. very hard... sucks... my legs still hurt, lifting.. pushing myself... I have a mark to reach, plus it's been helpful for stress.

I went to see the butterflies this weekend and do something constructive other than laundry... and running around...

I had to be to work early this morning... my dad had to go to Lansing with my brother... I'm hoping all this nonsense will come to an end in the next week. heres to hoping.

I hope you all have a great week... as we get ready to transition in to April. Yay :) I can't wait to start planting flowers

~Kel

P.S...... Bob asked for my ring size........ I said "for what finger silly?" He said "for your left ring finger goofy".......... I said 9.5 and silently jumped for joy? Haha.. I'm sure nothing soon will happen.. but... =) as my mom said... it's coming. However knowing the procrastination of my b/f... it may be years before he remembers he even has something in his pocket. =D I love him.

Where I'm From...

2009-03-19T14:17:00.001-07:00

Y'all know.. I don't regret much of my move, even on days when that 20 mile drive home from goodness knows where in snow & ice..
Purely because of days like this that I get to come home to & don't have to go stand on the house roof to see over the skyscape.

Yeah, that cornfield will seriously smell like cow dung in 6 months. :) I can't wait.

It may not sound like much.... but it's where I'm from... and to have some place to belong in the midst of this family crisis that never seems to get better.. I go home.. sit on my swing & watch squirrels playing in the crick.

Besides... who wouldn't love a life filled with a little of this...
~Kel~

Greatful & Humble

2009-03-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

I just wanted quickly to tell you all that our prayers have been answered & the world is no longer spinning out of control.

It's humbling to ask people you barely know for prayer... but I appreciate it & should the favor need returning, please ask.

I spent much of the weekend with family, we finally got our new phones. Mine's purple. :) nice & girly without the color of pink!

I went to the home show this weekend :) had a riot.

Weigh in tonight. That too should be humbling :)

Nightmare on my street...

2009-03-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

I can't share any details, but.. my family is in desperate need of prayer, my brother & his wife & the 4 kids the most.

Please keep them in your thoughts the next few days.. and.. as soon as I can share more, I will. Right now, is a nightmare... I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one pinching myself to wake up.

On the bright side, I caught the gym last night... had a great workout, I feel it today! Sat in the sauna for a little while & let my body & lungs relax.

I can't wait to go tonight, my #1 competitor is not coming in this week because her trainer is gone. :) time for me to make hay while the sun shines!

Thank you for your thoughts & prayers, I appreciate them so much,
Love,
Kelly

I'll admit

2009-03-11T11:58:00.001-07:00

I'm hiding from the gym.

Forcing myself to go tonight. After being mia for 5 days. :( bad Kelly, bad.

Is this where my weight loss journey ends? I know so many people that hit that 30lb mark & go right on back up & then some. I just want to cry... and I know why I haven't gone, it isn't being lazy.. it's being terrified I'm going to see #1 & she's going to beat me at something that I need to win to prove to myself I can do it. well... can't win something you aren't there for now can ya?

I have a wii, a wii fit, a bike, a gym membership, fruits... veggies and no good reason for not loosing. How frustrating. And whiny.

I'm so overstressed with the business, learning there are aspects we must outsource. Money is scarcer then strawberries growing in michigan in December. I'm trying to figure out how this all pieces together & I must admit I'm lost & I find my comfort in a bath & popcorn. Which wouldn't be bad had that popcorn not had 2tbs of real butter on it. I need time to myself & can't find it. Tonight I'm going to the gym, I'm going to sit in the sauna after a good long hard workout & remind myself there is a reason I bought yogurt & frozen fruits on sale yesturday.

I refuse to give up. So I slipped. You don't learn to walk without falling over a few times right?

I will hit my goal. I'm so close to my goal. Seriously. It'd be a shame to let all this hard work, time & money investment go to waste. So what on God's green earth is my issue?

I challenged one of my best friends to a weight loss goal, 10 lbs in 3 weeks. If she kicks my butt, me the one with the gym membership, etc., I will be very disappointed in myself, I challenged her to challenge me.. and I'm letting yet another person win.

Sorry this post is such a downer.. but if I'm not honest with me, or anyone else for that matter I'm going to fall to the wayside and that would be utterly depressing.

~Kel

oh gosh, I'm home!

2009-03-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well, hello my bloggy readers :0)

I know, I know, you’ve missed me the past 2 weeks that I’ve been gone right?... I admit, I missed you too.

As much as I hate to admit, this is a huge release for me, a place to vent. So… here’s my “vent”.
I went on vacation, met a new baby: Asher, adorable!

Came home in South/North Carolina’s only snow storm of the year, 8 inches of snow with no plow trucks… let me tell you something to simplify my rant of this: 5 mph w/hazards on, people don’t know how to drive in snow/ice down there & it is hazardous being on the roadways with them. Longest drive of my life.

‘Nuff said. Had a wonderful couple of days in OH w/family. Came home to a house that was 37 degrees. Bob forgot to check the propane levels. I cried for the last ½ hour of my trip trying to fix the no heat thing so I didn’t freeze to death in my sleep.

Oh. I also came home… sick with sinus’, my friend had a cat & my cousins had towels in serious need of washing. My head almost, almost, exploded. I spent the better part of the time home in the past week recovering. I’ve gone to the gym… almost died during it, but found I maintained during my vacation & will be having a weigh in Friday. Which will more than likely prompt a Monday blog. :) yes… next week I will return again.

We had a good weekend though, a good welcome home, my cousins came over & brought pizza & stayed while the house warmed up & Wii. We are currently working on changing our business over to something that is a little more recession proof… the small engine is dwindling and our profit margin for last year was something I cried for a week over. We got into snow this winter and while Al Gore claims we have global warming, we seem to be missing it here in Michigan, we had record snow fall this year. The landscaping side seems to be going great & more promising then the small engine and at least we know is a guarantee of work.

Saturday night we went out on a double date with another couple we enjoy spending time immensely, and I’m very excited to say my Camero will be done & ready to hit the track in 3 weeks! Bob & Randy yammered on about what all they plan on doing while I tried not to wet myself out of excitement for the fact that I will be racing come April. Yay. Sunday we went to check out our competition & displays at the home show to get an idea for next year. I found out about the cottage and lake living show in a few weeks… haha.. I will be dragging him along for that, ideas for the new house :) yay!

Anyway. To close… I purchased Tim McGraw’s new song the other day, it makes me think so hard about life in general and how much of it we take for granted. A line in his song “the graveyard is full of people that didn’t have time to die”. I can relate. I need to remember to step back & take a breath, it wasn’t long ago I lost the most important person in my life, I can’t bring that time back but I can cherish the time I have. Have a great week everyone.

*hugs*

Kel

I know you think I forgot...

2009-02-19T10:38:00.001-08:00

:) I weighed in last night, did cardio & even lifted.

Big moment... dun, dun, dun. I'm @ 280 Ladies & Gentlemen, please hold your applause. Ha!

That is a total of 21lbs. Amazing. I however, have a tip for you.. if you are working on weight loss... I stepped on the scale.. before & after to see if there really was a difference, my weight.. had skyrocketed to: 282.5. I always... *blushes* pee before I weigh. However during workout I consume a whole bottle of water, that plus building mass apparently weighs.. all of 2.5 lbs. Yikes.

My feature today. Is a treat I assure you. 2 products I've fallen in love with in the past 24 hours.

#1- Mr. I make water great to drink:
I use this as a treat, I have a 32 oz. bottle... I then put in this in the last 16 oz. I was really excited about Green tea raspberry that I also purchased, but I do have to say, the lemonade is much better.. and I'm a huge tea fan.

#2- Mr. You are no longer spending weekends imprinting the couch with your own cushions:
What's even better? You can buy games to interact with the balance board, including, my favorite so far, Jillian from "Biggest Loser" the trainer... she has a training video to go w/this. It's fantastic.

Prayer Requests:
My friend's dad, Doug... his tumors are growing. Cancer.. nasty. Yuck. Please, I can't imagine loosing my dad, no one else should have to either.
Tyler is doing well
Josue's mom has chemo every Wed. keep her in your prayers... Chemo seems to knock anyone & everyone out.

*hugs*

My new favorite

2009-02-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

Dieting sucks. You have to give up chocolate right?

Wrong.

Introducing, my seriously delish, new chocolate best friend.

Where have these been all my life?

They are good. Seriously. & no... you don't have to have the whole box to feel like you satisfied the cookie/chocolate cravings. They are sweet, cakish, nummy 100 calories of goodness.

This is a feature food.

Well, well, well.

2009-02-17T11:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight is weigh in. However, I rolled my ankle last night & the trainer said to stay off it, so I have to wait for Friday's weigh in for the biggest looser contest. Gives me more time to work on it!

I had a horrible morning.. every thing felt like it was spinning out of control.. customers were grumpy, can't find my desk, have too much going on!.. Leaving for 3 weeks on vacation.. next week?..

*sigh* This made me think about why I'm going to South Carolina to help my single (going through a divorce to a man that committed an unspeakable crime) who has a 4 year old son & a baby who's going to be here Friday & what her nerves must be doing to her, so, today she's my highlighted prayer request.

Yesterday afternoon... the best gift ever happened. I patched things up with my sister. Not many of you know what was going on, doesn't matter, what matters is my family is back in one piece & I missed her so much. life is right again.

Bob & I went out to lunch & hit the gun range for target practice.. I think I made him the happiest man ever when I said for our anniversary present to each other, lets buy each other the guns we need for our CCW permit. He was happy. I am too. I won't lie, living in the middle of no where in the woods, by myself.. is very intimidating, especially considering we've been broken into once.

Control has resumed. I don't think I'm going to tell my parents after the fact, my mom may be okay, but my dad might fall over dead. The gun I'm looking @ and have shot with, is called a baby glock, something that I can keep the clip & gun seperate.. but still be able to get to in an emergency.

My brother... shot himself a year ago Friday... a horrible family tragedy.. he was on meds he didn't belong on from a doctor who shouldn't have their license. I think, my parents might flip.. so I'll tell them when it's all said and done, so there isn't anything they have to flip about.

I prayed this morning, have for a long time.. this isn't an "animal" killing thing, and I agree guns don't kill people, people do. However. I live alone and NO one is going to take advantage of me & my situation ever again... I was attacked in my front yard & then my backyard a little over a year ago just before I moved. Had I had more then just my running shoes on... there wouldn't have been a second attack.. and I wouldn't live with the nightmares. Granted, I'm not talking about taking someone out... A knee or other such body part... should someone use excessive force to enter my house with deadly harm would be a different story. You don't have to go through extensive testing in Michigan, but you do have to list your reasoning for a hand gun purchase, I asked my instructor if listing it for household protection is going to get me rejected and he said nope... "shooting rampage would, then I'd be worried". So I'm guessing I'm not the only female who has done this.

'Nuff said on that..

Tomorrow is 1/2 the week gone! Yipp, Yippie!

Happy Monday!

2009-02-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

Well. I had an awesome Valentines day. Not only did I get flowers & a beautiful little box, but I got new shoes. :) To someone who's had to dump tons & tons of money into a never ending project.. my house. This was a treat, extra spending money for things like clothes & froofroo items is nonexistent. I haven't had new work shoes in a couple of years, so this summer my mom bought me nice sandals that will last forever. This fall Bob bought me new workout shoes. Saturday while we were out shopping with my mom she bought me new work shoes. Yep. I so just wrote an entire paragraph on shoes. How feminine of me.

Yesterday we worked on taxes. Okay, correction, Bob sat crunched over the computer for 5 hours working on taxes, which he's also working on today.. and I relaxed among the mounds and mounds of laundry & I finally got an answer on shopping for new dressers: Yes! Have I mentioned I love this man? :) Kyle & Debra have some we might buy, but the agreement was, I have to get the two bedrooms back into working order so we have somewhere to put the extra furniture. So. Looks like I'll be pretty busy this week.

What am I saying? I'll be busy for the whole month of March, hopefully I won't go insane & the dogs won't feel like Mommy & Daddy abandoned them.

Next week, I leave for South Carolina, I'm home for 3 days & Bob & I are leaving for our 4 year anniversary & going away for a week! I'm so excited, just the two of us & snowmobiles. Yay.

I need to get the house cleaned, go through clothes, get packed for two vacations & somehow keep my sanity & weigh loss going.

Yeah. Right. I'll skip the sanity & work on the weight loss. Which I did pretty dang good on this week, can't wait for weigh in tomorrow...

Quick prayer request updates:

Doug's family asks for prayer as they decide how to proceed in this..
Tyler is moved to a care center for rehabilitation, doing much, much better
Josue's mom moves on to week two, prayer for strength & health would be appreciated

Happy Monday!

Memories

2009-02-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

6 years ago today. I learned a hard lesson. I walked away from someone I had sworn to love for life.. for 2 years I cried, went through counseling, and tried to understand why God would make such a horrible event even exist. I'll tell ya first hand, the act of shredding wedding invitations that have your name printed so neatly on them.. then lighting them on fire & burning what is left of the 19 years you've had in life... sucks. You fight to keep control, you fight to find yourself and you fight to have a reason left to live that is greater then the pain you have inside.

I swore.. up, down, left & right I'd never date again. Someday, I'll tell you why I did...

When I started dating Bob. I explained to him my phobia of Valentine's day. :) Like any guy would argue with an excuse to get out of buying something & spending money.. haha. So. For 4 years we have not celebrated with much more than an "I love you, happy valentine's day".

Today. Was the first time I have gotten anything for Valentine's day. One of my favorite songs is "Yesterday". Probably because it was one of my Grandmother's all time favorite songs. Either way. Today.. I was blessed with a single pink rose for appreciation, and 3 red roses.. for love, beauty and one rose without it's thorns for "love at first sight". :) Oh, and back to yesterday. My keepsake for the 3 red roses... is a box that plays.. Yesterday.

Yeah, I cried.

Now. I don't hate Valentine's day anymore.. I have the most beautiful memory to cherish. :)

I hope each of you has a joy you can find in today. Love someone.

Lack of Understanding....

2009-02-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

I just got an update on Doug:

Brad said: He' s good considering, just talked to the doctor and now have to condsider treating him with avistan, sp? Which has some high risk with it, or traveling some wheres for clinical study.

Please pray for a cure.. and for his family. :( Doug has been fighting for years. At 51, he should be around to see all of his children married, see grandchildren.. it feels to everyone like the end of the road is rapidly approaching & it.. just sucks.

It's hard to remember & understand that in a time like this, nothing is in our control, our dependence on God & His will and understanding where we fit into his plan that is much different from a sinner's own. God tells us no sin is greater than any other... there is no punishment if you have came & accepted Jesus, which we know Doug has done, proving it by the life he leads of an awesome family man & a forgiving person.

As life spins out of control... God calls us: Come unto me, all you that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Mat 11:28

Whether that rest is for a night, for a time or forever, we are to accept it.

Pray for Doug, pray for a healing, but pray for God's will and that we.. may come to understand it? Such a difficult time for family, friends and those involved.

This disease. This cancer. This ugly horrible animal that attacks and leaves.. no real survivors.. is something beyond the realm of our control & understanding. It is human nature to want to heal.. to want to control and this is wildly out of our control. I have lost both Grandmothers and have had several family members and friends of the family touched by this ugly demon that has no stopping point.

October 20, 2006.. from my journal....

Dear God,

There is this amazing woman that is lying in a hospital bed tonight, she's in a lot of pain and is not herself. Please God, ease her pain, but don't take her away...

You see... we need her God... she's our rock, the head of the wolf pack and without her we'd be lost. She has grandchildren and great grandchildren to watch grow up.

She makes us laugh, she puts everything back together again, she loves us and listens to us, and there's this little girl..

Please, please, perform a miracle, next week... I need to visit her at her PT rehab facility... not the funeral home. I'm begging you Jesus. Please?.

God's will... is often not our own. My prayers were answered.. sorta. Her pain was eased as she slipped into Jesus' arms on Oct. 23, 2006. Not too many days go by I don't cry because I have a pain in my heart for her.

Family & friends that are irreplaceable. We have so many we take for granted and until they are gone.. we have no idea.

So hug someone today, tell a friend or family member you love them from the bottom of your heart, don't wait until tomorrow, you never know what will happen in the night.

Thus.. all of my rambling comes to a crux. Don't take time for granted. We don't know when anyone's clock will stop, how, or why.... life takes us in different directions but.. love never changes.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-11
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5. it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6. it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; 10. but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. 11. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

Such a gentle way God reminds us to grow up.. and accept His word as his own.

God Bless ya'll & happy St. Valentine's day,
*hugs*
Kelly

Stuck to it!

2009-02-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

Well. I did it. I was a very, amazing good girl last night! I had a salad, minus cheese & croutons, with balsamic on the side. A lobster & broccoli. It was good, no butter.. which.. hello is my favorite part!

We exchanged gifts, Emilee got me this lovely bath set that can sit in the corner of my trusty tub & I can use it for something else once it is done! :)

We had a pretty eventful night, a huge fall out from a guy from work. Lets just say, the life you live & lies you weave will come back to eat you & he found out the hard way about that. Unfortunately it's not just him that is suffering from his disbelief in the sanctity of marriage, but his wife & child are suffering the most. We knew he was having at least 1 affair, that number quickly multiplied to 4 this morning. Goes to show you never really know someone.

Two new prayer request adds: Becky, a friend of mine who lost her first baby about a month ago, is having a really difficult time w/it, her sister-in-law is a week ahead of her.. and will be carrying to term
Sarah, a girlfriend from school that also lost her baby this week, she has an adorable son, but this isn't easy for anyone, no matter how many children you have.

This weekend I'm pretty excited, my mom called yesterday all geeked, she got her 3rd interview on this coming Thursday. :) She's very excited, I'm helping her shop after work on Saturday. the girls are still going w/out me, so if anyone would still like to go..

If you know anyone looking for employment please pass them on to me & have them email me, we've had several openings for full-time & part-time help come our way through various sources & I can pass them along gladly. They range from needing HR experience or degrees to mechanical with no experience. So basically anything that anyone can do, with good money & benefits!

Tonight, I have my grocery list & am going grocery shopping with Kim. Tomorrow I will plan all of my meals for the next week, since I have to work.. :) so tomorrow night I'll be exercising at home.. no gym :( boo. Oh well, I should have my wii to play with Sunday! :) yay!

My positive thought for today: So many have been praying for Tyler & he is AWAKE & joking around with the nurses & the food! Michael brought him a mcdonalds meal yesterday. What an awesome sign.

So on that note, no new updates on Doug, please pray for him, his family & his children.. pray that God can wrap them in His arms so tight.
Josue's mom still seems to be holding up good under chemo. Praises for that.
Tyler is awake, well he has a very long road ahead of him that includes Mary Free Bed in a couple of weeks and 6 months of rehab. He's on the right path towards wellness.

Sammi, my angel turns 7 tomorrow. :) I cannot believe that time has gone so fast!

Happy 7th Birthday Samantha Joy!!

Have a great weekend all!

*Hugs*

Have to laugh

2009-02-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

One of the girls @ the gym is in 1st place in the biggest looser contest & last night I went into the locker room & she's literally standing there in her undergrundies & crying. "I'm fat" she wails. I started laughing. She looked at me like I was nuts & she said "What are you laughing at?" I looked back at her and said "Honey... I change in the stalls, I would be horrified someone would vomit if they saw me naked.. here you stand skinny's all out to the world and the only one who thinks you are ugly and fat is you.. seriously? You don't need a gym sweetheart, you need counseling." She smiles, and says "You are right, probably why I'm in 1st place in the biggest looser contest.."

That won't last long, out she goes. Last night her & her 2nd place buddy were watching me do my ab workout, I took a break & ran down stairs to grab JoJo.. she came up with me and said "she really doesn't like to be watched". I'll share my secrets after I win thank you.

Yesturday I cheated on lunch... I had a 1/2 of pizza wrap. It was good.. :) but I paid for the tummy pain later. Too much fat. I really need to start taking the sylium corn husk stuff.

Oh. So last night.. I forgot to make anything for dinner... so Bob stopped home to grab the lawn mower to put new tires on it & threw a bunch of veggies in the crock pot w/a couple of left over lean hamburger patties & low sodium mushroom soup. So nummers! A quick fix. When I got home from the gym the house smelled so good! Tonight we are going to red lobster, yummy lobster.. no butter though, this makes me sad. :) I haven't gotten a chance to do Christmas with Emilee because.. well.. I had 2 surgeries back to back right smack over Christmas, I didn't do much. So her Christmas presents are sitting in the back of my truck ready for delivery. Along with Sam's birthday presents. I can't believe my angel turns 7 on Saturday! It's supposed to snow on Saturday too... so a bunch of us girls with our plow boys are making plans to go out for dinner, a movie & bowling. If you'd like in.. drop me a line.

Sunday I think we are finally going bed shopping (insert YAY!) here. Finishing planning our vacation from March 7-14 for our 4 year anniversary. Possibly picking the bed set from Kyle & Debra's. I went & looked and the dressers are all in 1 piece! :) no more living out of laundry baskets... which.. Bob tripped over in the livingroom this morning putting on his shoes.. I tried hard not to laugh then too. He said "okay, okay I conceed we need new dressers". It was pretty great when he asked for his gym clothing & I pointed to an area & told him not to mess up my piles.. :) haha. Great. We have to finish taxes Sunday too... :)

I'm meeting with the oil lady again tomorrow to take a look at some natural remidies for sore muscles, because it seems we are both having issues with them. My back, neck & calfs are killing me... Bob's shoulders, pecks & thighs hurt him.. :) we fight over hot water lol.

I brought my snacks & lunch today. I'm working on my water... I did all my lifting & on my least fav machine I did 11 crunches! :) whoohoo!!

I can't wait to get my wii fit. Kyle was telling Bob about it last night... he told me I had to wait until Saturday, which technically starts @ 12pm Friday night.. :)

Steph's house is comin along! 1st floor walls are up, I can't wait until she moves in & I get to give her the housewarming gift.... :) sweet! She'll be closer... way closer :) no more apartment living & I can take Jess over there to run with the kids!

Anyways.. I better get back to this warranty pile.. I have to work Saturday though, since we have that show in Novi. Pray we make lots of sales! The couple who won the trailer @ Devos were in yesturday :) they are so excited!

Oh yeah: Positive thought for today: Safe & healthy. There is so much junk going around, we all seem to be staying healthy!

"I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer." Psalm 17:6

Prayers:
Josue's mom had her first chemo yesturday, she seems to be handling the first round well.. I told him panera bread may be his new favorite hang out. :)
Tyler had more countless surgeries done yesturday from facial construction & to stabilize his pelvis which is broken in 8 places
I haven't heard anything on Doug & at this time, no news is bad news. :( please pray for them. You can find his carepage: http://www.carepages.com/carepages/DougVanderBand. Please pray for the kids...

*hugs*

Because you know... Jesus is sitting on your bedpost

2009-02-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

:) Last night was my weigh in! I had a good surprise in the morning & even though my scale & the gym scale are off by about 3#.. I knew I had lost!

2 more pounds!

Not sayin that's going to win the competition, so this week is crack down time... which... last night I went to my brother & sister-in-laws & we ate & played wii. However, she knows I'm trying to watch what I eat, so she bought angel food cake w/fresh berries for desert. How incredibly nice. I don't have internet @ home so they wanted to show me the games they have for their wii. Which I must say, I'm jealous & am certainly going to be hitting best buy with my $25 rewards card to add to my collection :)

This week I tracked everything, everything, everthing that passed through my lips on sparkpeople. I don't get enough protien. I'm only getting about 1500 calories and my trainer thinks my slow down in weight loss is due to my body isn't getting enough. Well. Let me tell ya, last night, I made up for weeks of calorie lost with Rubens, pasta w/veggies, steam asperagis, the list seriously went on, oh! potato salad. My brother knows how to cook... very well.

So my goals this week
Be more concious of my protien intake.
Clean out the closet, I have so many clothes that don't come near to fitting anymore... shirts, etc.
Oh, last, but not least, Saturday & Sunday need more exersise in them. :) Fun stuff... like Wii.

I get my Wii Fit Saturday, cuz it's v-day & he promised. I'm elated! Then I have to spend the night @ my mom's cuz my dad is gone this weekend to the Novi show.

Prayer Request Updates:
Tyler had several surgeries yesturday... reconstruction, collapsed lungs, put a pin in his leg & to determine what they are going to do with his pelvis that is broke in 8 pieces. Please, Please keep this 17 year old boy in your prayers.

Doug VB hasn't heard any news... at this point, no news is not good news because it means they aren't finding our miracle...

Hebrews 4: 16: Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I'm confident that God's will, is something that will be done... it is our jobs to accept it.

Positive thought for today: I may walk through the valley, but I fear no evil, I have amazing people to walk beside me.

*hugs*

When it rains... It pours.

2009-02-10T07:21:00.000-08:00

Please pray for:
Doug VB (cancer)
Josue's Mom (cancer)
Tyler (horrific car accident 2/9/09)

Doug has been fighting cancer for years, I'm friends with his kids and Monday they found out treatment just isn't working anymore, they are praying for a miracle.

Josue's Mom was just diagnosed with Lymphoma B, chemo starts today for 43 months, it has a pretty positive outlook, but.. I can tell you cancer & chemo aren't anything easy for the patient or the family to deal with.

Tyler- friend's cousin... @ Spectrum Health, hit a UPS truck going 70mph.. 17 years old. Traumatic for all involved, especially Michael his best friend & my friend's little brother. Please be praying for both boys & that a lesson could be learned from this, and a recovery.. with little damage.

Tonight's my weigh in, I kinda cheated & checked my scale out this morning, so I have a pretty good idea of what the gym will say.

Positive thought for today: The snow has melted & I haven't seen mice. Maybe I killed all in the neighborhood. Cuz they sure all lived in my house... that was too much. Next time I'm calling an exterminator.

*hugs*

Adapting to "Skinny Girl" Life

2009-02-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

So, I'm a cook, a dang good one at that, I love to cook, however, I could be Paula Deen's secret twin. If it doesn't have fat in it, it isn't good... right? Well, I had to change that way of thinking, my down fall isn't chocolate, baked potatoes, potato chips or anything "normal" like that... it's homemade mac 'n cheese, a huge roast with tons of luscious gravy. Well. Say good bye to things like that... I'm going to have to adapt those recipes.

I started with something small this weekend... I was trying to adapt to my life style. I love salad, but with a good thousand island dressing.. well.. obviously.. that can't be done anymore either. However, my brother bought lunch the other day... I ordered a "Tomato Salad" with marinated tomatoes in herbs & olive oil, I told them to hold the olive oil & give me a side of fat free Italian dressing. It's one of my new fav's. I decided to recreate it this weekend... so here is my recreation of tomato salad:

(2 Servings)

2 tomatoes
Basil (dried or fresh herbs, doesn't matter)
Oregeno
Parsley
Garlic Clove

Dice tomatoes up in bite sized pieces (large slices)
Sprinkle: basil, oregeno & parsley over
Chop up & add one clove of garlic
Let render in the fridge, FLAT for 4-24 hours (the longer you let the 'maters eat the herbs the better!)

Enjoy w/favorite dressing.

I added lettuce to mine, it is optional, but it rounded it out so much better!

I also tried a lowfat version of chicken parmisan... I'll let the verdict be given on that first, I had it last night for dinner.. and loved it, but... Bob had it in his lunch today, so I'll know more tomorrow...

I'm excited for weigh in, I actually went & worked out Saturday. Today I put my full menu up on Sparkpeople, so then I'm accountable for what is going into my body. There is even room for some of my skim milk oreo pudding. :) yay.

Alright.. well.. my positive thought for the day is: I feel good, therefore I know it must be good!

*hugs*

3rd Place.

2009-02-05T06:02:00.000-08:00

Okay. So most people would be ultra excited to see they are in 3rd place in a weight loss contest. Me? not. I'm competitive... horribly... I was crushed. Even more crushed to see the people that are in front of me.. weight considerably less. 143 lbs... lost 9.5 lbs, like 7% of her body fat. Seriously? I've worked so hard... not ate chocolate... not drank regular pop... not, not, not... ahhhhh *head spins around*.

Poor Bob, gets a message on his phone last night, he had to call & ask me what I said because I was "blubber crying" (that's what he calls it when I'm crying & he can't understand my words), so I had to repeat. "I'm not winning, I'm in 3rd because yet again... A SKINNY GIRL IS WINNING!"

Someone might understand my devastation, if you understand my family. There are two kids that were "bigger" in our family... me & Zach (a year younger), but I grew up with a dad that walked 3 miles a night & a mother that was a size 4 trying to gain weight. All through my high school life I was too "large" to wear cool clothes, small enough that guys could walk around & mock me for my "4 eyes" & "Miss. Piggy's waddle". Yep. It's damaged me considerably, correction had. I went through 2 years of counseling after high school to figure out that it wasn't that I wasn't happy with me, because I was, but it was that other people were insensitively rude about themselves not being okay with me. That was when my counselor set me up with an agency that loved me & thought I was beautiful & started my modeling career. Until they decided to take a different direction & not do plus sizes anymore. "It's not what sells" they said.

So. Here I am, back at my own personal battle to get rid of this dutch 3rd & 4th boob... I want to win this contest. Not because money is tight, but I want to prove to myself that I have the motivation not to loose & give up on something that is this important & vital to my life. I have all these people standing behind me... and the best I can give is 3rd. That's like standing beside Michael Phelps holding a dirty diaper... smelly & bad & feeling like a failure.

However, I refuse to give up, just work harder. Last night I cleaned the cupboards out & pulled out trusty crockpot. This morning I cut up & threw a bunch of veggies in... I'll have a veggie stew when I get home... I might stop & grab some turkey smoked sausage & have a boiled dinner. Who knows, but I do know... I need to be more proactive about:

Water. 8 cups a day. must happen
Meal planning. absolute neccisity. otherwise I reach for stuff that is bad... like subs... boo.
Saturday exersising. No options anymore. watch out wii... here I come to win Tennis

So where is my positive thought in all this? My leg muscles are hurting. This means they are getting abused, which is good. Yay for mr. elliptical.

I should probably consider getting some work done instead of seeping in my self pity.

*Hugs*

I will not cry... okay I lied..

2009-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

You know when you have one of those days, wait.. weeks.. no scratch that... months.. gosh darn... years where you just are overwhelmed no matter what corner you turn? Welcome to my world.

My dad & Zach did all that hard work Sunday & Thursday on the house... and the pipes still froze last night. So when I got home to take a hot bath after my weigh in (I promise I'll get to that..), turned on the hot water & got two drips I sat on the floor & dissolved into tears. A great big pile of mush... Jesslynne (my baby girl schnoodle) came & gave mommy kisses & sat on my lap while I hated my house. Then.... my thoughts turned to a blog I joined yesterday... of a family that had lost their house & every treasured possession in a fire & couldn't find anywhere to live because they are blessed with so many children people have turned their backs. So I started to be thankful, for the cold water running, that I could boil for dinner.... the somewhat leaky roof that covers my head and the carpeted rotting floor... and my bed & blankets & sheets & toothbrush & the list went on..... so I got up... called Dad, then called Bob, then my aunt to ask if I could stop there in the morning & take a shower.

So this morning... I stopped @ my aunts, who got up early for my shower... got to the shop & Bob had gotten me breakfast & hot chocolate... he had called my dad to find out what he could do to fix what was going on, so my dad didn't have to spend another day off working on a house that isn't even his! He & Scott went out & fixed the pipes, the 3" of pipe that isn't insulated is what froze... and... he brought me subway for lunch.

My new goal everyday is to find something I'm so thankful for... today. I'm thankful for the man who has tried his hardest with everything he has to provide for me the last 4 years, emotionally when my grandma died & all the other times I've called him bawling my eyes out, physically when I couldn't hold my head up after surgery... we laid on the couch on my parents and he rubbed my neck for hours... such an amazing "tough man", and monetarily... when I couldn't afford that oil change, or needed an extra $40 for the house payment, new clothing... he's never complained, just gave.

So. With that... weigh in went okay... 2# down. Not as much as I wanted, but "lil ms. emotional" here is having a visit from Auntie Flo.. and my trainer said most people gain because of water weight. So I'm grateful I didn't gain, because I'm not sure I could have resisted Ben & Jerry in the state my brain & emotions were in last night...

I've decided... I need to start looking for a new church, I've had thousands of excuses why I haven't been going, but none are good & valid, so should you have any suggestions.. :) I'm open to ANYTHING, providing of course, it isn't 80 miles away...

I hope each of you can find something you are thankful for today, whether it be the sunshine (even though it's only 7 degrees outside) or the fact that you didn't have to shovel snow this morning.. remember God is good even when we are not.

*Hugs*

Welcome

2009-02-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

Week 1.
K. So. Here's my honesty with friends... haha that's the only people who read my blog.

I stepped on the scale on the 1st of the year, after having 2 surgeries and hardly eating anything from being so sick I thought I'd be in good shape. I was at 303. I cried. Really hard.

So... Bob revamped my Christmas gift. I joined a gym... the one in Dorr. I have a personal trainer, Jo Lynn, she's awesome.. last night she did the elliptical with me. When I joined the gym, I also entered "the biggest loser contest" as a way to encourage & challenge myself.

Yesterday I had my first weigh in. I kid you not... 293. 293!!! That's 8lbs from my weigh in last week @ 301!

It was a long week, I faced the munchies one night & finally broke down & made some popcorn in the popper, no salt, no butter... this was my downfall before, I didn't crave sweets, popcorn "fully loaded" is my favorite snack.. but it CAN be healthy. Friday night I went to my parents for dinner, they got KFC!?! I quietly went & grabbed a can of green beans, ate the WHOLE thing, some coleslaw, a little mashed potatoes.. then the finally... I had one piece no skin- my skinny mother ate the skin & then a 1/2 bag of potato chips later. Saturday was our Reurink Christmas party.. I worked out in the morning & brought my salad, I had one slice of veggie pizza (another one of my FAVORITE foods!). I was so proud of me. No joke. When I stepped on the scale though last night, going pee 3 times an hour because I'm drinking this ungodly amount of water seems all worth it. Getting up a 1/2 hour early so I can eat breakfast & ride for 20 minutes on my bike... seems so worth it.

So last night, I texted anyone who would care :) & called a few special people... went home... and made myself a healthy dinner.. my salad & pasta w/chicken.... I felt that "night time snack grumble" and I decided it was time to take my bath & go to bed.

Today? I'm still so geeked. I have weight training tonight... and.. I can't wait! (no pun intended there)

So. I have a few people to thank right here right now for saying they will either walk beside me or be an encourager in my life:
Bob (of course) Mr. gym himself is very proud of me
My parents (duh) I called my mom & she's such a cheerleader
Leandra... :) She makes me so excited about doing it!!
Steph, my partner in crime!
Lisa!!! =) You are part of the reasons I did this, watching you have so much success I wanted it for myself!
If I missed you, I'm sorry... I'm still so stoaked my brain isn't processing!

Yay....

Watch next week to hear from me...

<3>

Week 2.
So. I already wrote all this out once, but MYSPACE is stupid, & deleted it. =P

My start weight this week was: 293. My weigh in yesterday 290! So incredibly close to that February goal of 284!!! Unreal. Seriously. I'm geeked.

I had a stressful weekend, I can't stay on schedule at home, this is one of my goals for this week. I don't drink my water, do my cardio like I should and I for sure don't eat the 6 times a day I should. I've decided I need more slow cooker recipes that are lower in fat & can be used a couple of days in a row. Not that I'm a huge leftover person, but coming home dead tired from the gym looking through the cupboards trying to figure out what will throw together the best... isn't working out so hot. Obviously. So my other goal is a menu, then a shopping list, then coupon Sunday. =) wahooie!

So for those of you that haven't heard. My house is falling apart. The roof is leaking, the floor is rotting, (my mice are gone, yay), and to top it all off, my pipes keep freezing. I talked to my mom about moving home until I could afford to fix it, aparently my dad wasn't so keen on that idea, cuz he's coming out to "help me" around the house on Sunday, insulate the outside pipes, shovel off the roof, caulk the windows, etc. =) which is all well & fine with me. I just wish money grew on trees.

On the brightside, I made all 5 days of exersising last week... & no midnight snacking, I did good for the most part, I only ate twice Sunday though & that wasn't too hot. =( ugh.

So goals for this week:
*Water bottle at home
*Menu list done Friday
*Shopping list done Saturday
*Coupon cutting Sunday & shopping
ooo & to really challenge myself: *Pillates & an 1/2 hour of Wii Tennis on Saturday & Sunday.

Until next week,
Kel

P.S. for those of you who are struggling through this right with me, my friend Kari gave me a great wieght watchers replacement site! www.Sparkpeople.com, it's awesome, my user name is Kbear1012. Use it... it's got loads & loads of helpful exercises & stuff.. it's awesome

Week 3.
Oh my gosh. Seriously. ANOTHER 3!!!

Yeah, can you tell I'm pretty geeked? Well. The whole shopping list thing last week didn't go so hot because well.. I didn't have money for groceries. But I returned pop cans & picked up some stuff for Chicken Soup & apples & stuff. Then Bob gave me some money.

Not to say last week wasn't without it's stresses. My tire went flat Saturday @ Kim's.... Bob was in Allendale so he wanted a wrecker to come & change it, well guess who forgot her wallet! Yeah. Me. So he ended up calling a company & giving him his debit card number to come change my tire... well... come to find out, my friends brother would have done it for free! Argh. lol. Story of my life... right?

I had a good weekend though, my dad & Zach came over, my bathroom is fixed... my closet is fixed & my pipes got insulated & heat taped. All, but 2. Guess what two froze yesturday morning. Yep. Bob went out & thawed them for me though!

So my biggest challenges this week was staying on track & eating on time. I even had a cheeseburger from McDonald's on Saturday... and still lost 3lbs. So it goes to show EVERYTHING in moderation. We have this candy bowl @ work that sits in my office window, full of chocolate, you wanna talk about temptation. My mom picked me up some godiva dark chocolate though that comes in this tiny wrapped pieces, so I take one of those when I feel a chocolate craving. OR! I LOVE Fiber One's Oats & Chocolate. They have chocolate, they are chewy & filling!

Yesturday I did horrible on water.. and I had a pop. Yikes! My trainer suggested allowing myself a pop a week... or a day until I can control my cravings a little better, because that is the lessor of all evils compared to the other things I crave. Homemade Mac & Cheese................ *sigh* in moderation, someday when I'm skinnier. You watch, it will make me sick because it's sooo good!

At the gym I've been doing straight eliptical & machines. I forced myself to get off the bike & tredmill because I have more of a challenge on the eliptical. Tonight we are adjusting my lifting weights... I'm going up to the next weight. So safe to say I'll hurt the rest of the week... =D

Thank you for all your comments & support on my past few blogs, you have no idea how comforting it is to have people support you when you are up against the biggest thing in your life!!!

Goals for next week:
Work out Saturday
Drink water everyday
Get all 6 eating times in everyday (GOTTA KEEP THAT METABOLISM going!)

Here's to losing!
Kel

P.S. IF ANYONE would like to get together on the weekends & work out, do pilates or some kind of work out video, I'd love to have a partner to get motivated with!